Debate Club
by CandyassGoth
Summary: Welcome to the debate club where there is a new topic each chapter! Follow the cast on their arguments and beliefs on random topics for your amusement! Another proudly CandyassGoth product. Inspired by the amazing LittleKuriboh.
1. Whose hero is better?

This is a comedy fic inspired by LittleKuriboh, who is above awesomeness...most jokes here are inspired by him, sprinkled with my own pervertness.

I don't own YGO or YGOTAS. Sorry for errors.

**Whose hero is better?**

"This is ridiculous. These characters don't even really exist and you're getting worked up over them." Seto Kaiba snorted as he shook his head with a demeaning expression, sending it to the other members in the room.

Joey stuck a hand in his face, "No one asked you! This is between Bakura and me-!" Joey growled and turned from the stoic CEO to face the white haired thief, "Now, what the hell did ya just say about Superman?"

Bakura sneered in his face with a superior smirk, "He's a pansy,"

"Is not!" Joey defended loudly and looked towards his best friend who sat with the former pharaoh, "Yug'! Back me up here! Superman is like-! Invincible! Ain't he?"

Yugi chuckled but nodded his head, "Superman is pretty strong."

"Not when he is around that green stuff," Bakura countered, "He could he killed by Barney after being exposed to it."

Ryou frowned at his yami as the others stared at him blankly. "…You mean Kryptonite, Kura?"

"Whatever it's called," Bakura spat. "Point is, Superman is a pansy. If all the…the…_ones_ like him had to have a big war, he'd be dead first!"

"That ain't right!" Joey insisted with a vigorous shake of his head, his blond locks shaking, "He can lift trains and stuff-! Fly! He's the best, ya gotta admit it! And everyone has a weakness!"

"He wears his knickers _over_ his clothes! _Skin tight_ clothes!"

"They aren't knickers! They're underwear!"

Yugi and Ryou giggled as everyone else besides Seto laughed at the pair arguing. Yami managed to get them to quiet down enough for him to add his own opinion. "First off, there's nothing wrong with skin tight clothes-" he glanced at his leather pants, "-and second, I think you have to quite brave to show everyone what kind of underwear you're wearing."

"Thank you, Yami!" Joey cheered as he threw Bakura a smug grin. The thief snorted and leaned back in his seat, "Still pansy. What man wants to show his underwear to the world while flying around in a cape?"

While a few rolled their eyes at Bakura's stubbornness, Ryou turned to said man. "Okay then, who do you think is the best hero?"

Bakura stared blankly at his smaller look-alike while everyone else watched intently, Seto watching in mild curiosity, Yugi's livingroom as silent as could be. Bakura breathed deeply and rolled his eyes heavenward before answering with a smirk, "…Chucky."

The room abruptly erupted in disagreements making Bakura shrink slightly in the chair, "What? Chucky is-!"

"He's a murderous _villain_, you idiot!" Joey yelled, "We talking about _heroes!_"

"Well, maybe he _is_ my hero!"

Once again the room was silent as they stared at Bakura. Melvin then grinned, "Your hero is a _dolly_? Oh, fluffy, I didn't know you were so…sensitive-"

"Shut your trap!"

"My hero is Spiderman," Marik piped up before his yami and Bakura could tear at each others throat; physically.

Yugi smiled, "He's awesome."

Ryou nodded to the little Egyptian, "Yeah, he's a classic."

Seto looked around before folding his arms, "…He shoots coagulated sperm from his wrists-"

"Argh-!"

"No!"

"-That's so _gross_!"

"You ruined him-!"

Seto shrugged his shoulders as he ignored the glares and loud reproaches sent his way, "What?"

"You just-! I'll never be able to look at him the same again!" Marik whined as he poked subconsciously at his own wrists, "Why would you say that?! Ugh!"

"That was pretty disgusting," Yami cringed as Seto sent him an apathetic look. Joey gagged slightly before rubbing his forehead and reaching over the couch to pat Marik's shoulder. Yugi and Ryou were blushing like school girls at the thought, Bakura and Melvin grinning at the thought of tormenting them with creating manipulated photos of Spiderman.

"Fine then, what about Hellboy?" Joey asked as his shoulders slumped.

Marik frowned, "The red guy with a lobster claw?"

"Yeah him," Joey nodded, "He's pretty awesome and kick ass."

"I agree, he's got a funny attitude too." Yugi added, looking up next to him at Yami who smiled and nodded in agreement.

Bakura glared, "He's a demon, isn't he? I thought we were talking about _heroes_."

"But he's a good guy," Yugi defended, "He beat his evil side."

"For _love_," Bakura drawled, "What kind of-"

"Shut up," Joey cut in rudely, "We don't need your pessimistic opinion."

"I didn't know you knew that word," Seto smirked.

"You shut up too. Now, Hellboy?"

"I vote he's awesome." Yugi announced. Yami nodded, "Me too."

"I agree," Ryou and Marik announced. Melvin shrugged, "He's okay,"

"Seto?" Joey looked up. The CEO glared at him, then to the other faces watching him, "…He's not real-"

"Humor us!"

"Fine! He's okay." Seto droned as dryly as he could. Joey rolled his eyes, "Okay? That's it?"

"I've never watched it but I've seen snitches from the movie nights Mokuba has every so often."

Joey stared at the brunet before shaking his head, "You're so boring it's unbelievable."

"Well, I don't think he's worthy of being called a demon." Bakura stated making everyone groan in dread of another 'Bakura argument'.

Melvin grinned and tapped Bakura, "And why is that, dear friend?"

Bakura stared at him as if it was obvious, "He rejected his demon form. I'd embrace it."

"Not all'a us are wrapped around Zorcy-poo's widdle finger-"

"Shut up, you stupid mutt!" Bakura yelled as he lunged at Joey, sending the blond yelping to the carpet and struggling to breathe with Bakura's bony fingers throttling his throat. To everyone's surprise it was Seto who pried Bakura off of him, and delivered a slap to both their heads.

Melvin burst into insane cackles as Bakura was shoved back into his seat, then leaned over to him, "I know why you don't like Hellboy. He loves cats, doesn't he? You're scared he is going to make you his pretty kitty-"

"SCREW YOU!"

The entire livingroom burst into laughter, Seto smirking off to the side as Bakura fumed at them all, Ryou trying to calm him down before there were any fatalities. Joey turned to Ryou who was reluctant to take his eyes off of his insaner half, "Who's your fav hero, Ryou?"

"I bet it's the Easter Bunny," Melvin sniggered, Bakura managing to crack a smile. Ryou ignored the comment and smiled shyly.

"Um…I think…Wonderwoman."

"WHAT?!"

Ryou crimsoned heavily and looked down at his thighs. Yugi giggled, "Why her?"

Ryou shrugged softly and looked up with pink cheeks that Bakura struggled not to find cute, "Well, she proves both genders are equal, and that woman can be strong, smart and beautiful at the same time. She's liberating."

Joey, Yugi, Yami and Seto all pulled their lips at his impressive explanation. Joey grinned, "Okay, that's a really good point, I can't argue."

Yugi looked up at Yami, "Who is yours?"

The former pharaoh stared down at Yugi as everyone went silent again, waiting for his answer. And if being cheesy was a feat, Yami pulled it off, "You are, Aibou."

"Oh Ra," Melvin and Bakura sighed as they dramatically looked off in different directions. Seto and Marik rolled their eyes but said nothing, while Joey and Ryou chuckled, Yugi blushing madly, "M-me?"

"Of course." Yami smiled as he brushed a bang out of Yugi's face, "You are the most selfless and caring person I have ever known."

"…How cheesy." Bakura muttered, but it didn't ruin the intense stare Yami and Yugi shared. Joey grinned as turned to the two insane yamis, "What about y'all?"

"Heroes are for losers who can't defend themselves, I can defend myself just fine." Melvin quickly and smoothly answered, dragging the millennium rod against the seat of the couch he, Marik, Bakura and Ryou shared. Bakura sniggered, "Yeah, we don't need _heroes_."

Joey rolled his eyes, "Sure, sure… Hey…Seto-"

"No, Joey, I don't have a favorite hero." Seto sighed with a tired expression. Yugi sighed and shook his head at Seto's determination; he was such a buzz kill.

"Come on, Kaiba, surely you have a hero."

Seto rubbed his temple, "_I_ don't have a hero, especially not some idiot that wears tights and chases bad guys. Real heroes are people like Nelson Mandela and Aung San Suu Kyi. _Not_ Superman and Batman."

They were all silent as they stared at the brunet, until Joey spoke up, turning fully away from him, "What about Batman?"

"Homo," Marik blurted out, everyone jumping into the new foolish conversation as if Seto hadn't added his own wise opinion. "He likes foreplay by dressing as a bat with his stupid looking little gay sidekick, everyone knows he's banging Robin."

Bakura rolled his eyes with a bark of laughter, "Jealous, much?"

"I am not gay!" Marik yelled, throwing himself over Melvin's lap to swat at Bakura's head, "You're the one making passing at me!"

"I do not!"

"Do you?" Ryou asked softly, Bakura shaking his head vigorously in denial. Yami rolled his eyes and tapped Yugi, "Who is your hero?"

Yugi blinked up at them, and instantly the room went silent. He blushed at being in the spot light and bit his lip in thought. "This is a tough one…"

Joey pouted, "Why? Mine in Superman. Marik's is Spiderman. Ryou's is Wonderwoman, Yami's is you, Melvin and Bakura are too lame for one and Seto secretly looks up to Hitler-"

"I do not!"

"-so who is yours?"

Yugi chewed his tongue and ran threw all the options he had, but there were so many! Everyone waited as silently as they could for his answer. Yami happily played with a strand of Yugi's hair as the younger boy debated with himself, then sighed and looked up at Yami, "I know it's cheesy…but…but it's-"

"You…" everyone droned as they avoided Yugi and Yami eye humping each other.

**XxXxXx**


	2. Movie Mania

Yes, Kaiba screwed us all on Spiderman, didn't he?

**Chapter 2: Movie mania**

Yugi Moto shivered as he pulled the thick duvet up to his chin, his eyes twice as wide than usual as he stared in horror at the TV screen that shone brightly in the dark room. The lightening clashed outside making him jump repeatedly every few minutes, the thunder rumbling angrily in the black sky. All he wanted was to be tucked up in bed! Well, him and Ryou.

Joey had decided tonight would be movie night, and so the gang had gotten together at Yugi's place to watch some movies, and to Yugi and Ryou's dismay, a fierce storm decided to join the party, making way for all the horror movies the elder males had brought along. Yugi was grateful he had the pharaoh cuddled next to him, he'd duck in his arm every time something scary happened in the movie. He was especially grateful it was just about finished, and he decided he did NOT like the Resident Evil saga, flesh eating zombies did not do it for him.

Neither did it do it for Kaiba, but he wouldn't allow Mokuba to sleep out alone, so he was forced to join in and endure stupid movies for his brother's sake.

"That was awesome!" Mokuba cheered as the movie ended, Joey crawling up towards the DVD player to take out the disk, "Shall we watch number three now?"

"No!" Yugi, Ryou and Kaiba synced. Kaiba rolled his eyes after softening his glare that Mokuba had caught, and leaned further back into the recliner he had claimed.

"Please, I cannot sit through another, I have suffered through _two_ so far! Choose something else."

"Like what?" Mokuba asked as he looked around for any offers. Yugi was about to suggest a cartoon when Marik chirped up, "Harry Potter!"

Yugi would have even accepted that, but it was met with a lot of disagreement. Marik scowled as a few threw in their rejections, and kneeled in a huff on the mattress he was sharing with Ryou, "What? I haven't seen the last installment!"

"You really **do** want to be like Harry Potter, don't you?" Yami chuckled, a series of laughs following him.

Marik growled and aimed a zap his way, "_Here's_ your Harry Potter."

Bakura and Melvin burst into cackles as Yami rolled his eyes with a shake of his head. Joey pursed his lips impatiently, "We ain't got all night, guys. Yug', wanna choose somethin'?"

Yugi blinked and his eyes darted around as all eyes fell on him. He bit his lip nervously as he tried to decide, but he didn't want to ruin the night if no one wanted to watch his kind of movies. He looked up at the pharaoh, but he simply smiled down curiously at him. The small teen sighed silently and shook his head at Joey.

The blond placed a hand on his hip, "C'mon, you choose."

"N-"

BOOM!

"-OOH!" Yugi cried out as the thunder crashed, echoing loudly and threatening. He threw the duvet over his spiky head and clutched onto Yami's pajama shirt, yelping again as the lightening struck, lighting up the room. Mokuba was grinning ear to ear as he watched Ryou and Yugi turn into quivering masses underneath the blankets, openly proud that he wasn't afraid of the storm.

Joey pouted at the cuteness of his pal, being immune to the storm himself, and looked around with a sigh, "Movie, any one?"

"Avatar!" Mokuba called out happily. Kaiba groaned under his breath, but Mokuba heard it, being the one sitting at his feet on a mattress, "What?"

"Didn't I teach you to have better taste than watching intergalactic smurfs fight giant robots? It's basically the same plot line as Pocahontas."

Joey scowled at the brunet, "Hey! Avatar is cool! It's got…all cool stuff!"

"Great defense," Bakura sniggered as he leaned back on his palms, "I vote we watch Cannibal Holocaust."

"No way in hell," Kaiba snarled at the white-haired thief.

"…Sissy…"

"Pansy…"

"Shut up!"

Joey raised his palms and made an up and down motion, "Calm down! Guys, we all know Kaiba ain't a bitch, he jus' won't let Mokie watch somethin' like that."

"I agree," Yami nodded as he petted Yugi who had peeked out like a hedgehog, "I wouldn't want Aibou seeing that."

Melvin and Bakura rolled their eyes simultaneously, Bakura turning to grin at Joey, "…Kaiba isn't a bitch? I bet he's the dog and _you're his_ bitch-"

"Shuddup!"

"He is not!" Kaiba fumed, sinking further back into the recliner, Marik, Melvin and Yami killing themselves laughing as silently as possible. Kaiba grit his teeth as Bakura flashed him a toothy, obnoxious grin, and sent him a few hundred daggers in return as he retaliated, "I wouldn't talk, _Kitty. _I bet your Tom is Melvin."

It was silent for a few moments, the only sounds were their light breathing and the rain against the glass. Everyone looked at each other in confusion at Kaiba's comeback, until Ryou erupted into loud giggles, getting louder every time he peeked at Bakura.

Bakura growled as he looked back to Kaiba who was smirking slightly, shaking his head at their inferiority. "What?" Bakura demanded.

Ryou tried to stifle his giggling as he sat up, everyone looking back to him as he tried to answer, "K-Kura-! Ku-Hahahaa! I-T-Tom is the name for a-a-a male cat-"

Bakura blinked obliviously as he stared at his hikari, "…And?"

Ryou bit his lip, his cheeks pink and burning even though no one could see it in the darkened room, and held onto a strand of his white hair as he spoke in another giggly tone, "…Kaiba is implying that M-Melvin is your-your- your man!"

It took a second before the room burst into laughter, all except for Bakura who was fuming and Melvin who was looking blank. "I am **NOT** anyone's little kitty!" Bakura insisted furiously, then jabbed a finger over his shoulder where Melvin laid, "Especially not his! I bottom for no one!"

A few people gagged as images flooded their heads, then jumped as Bakura let out a rather high pitched squeal, clutching at his crotch as he jumped away from the Egyptian behind him.

"D-did you just bloody grope me?!"

"…Maybe…"

"Hey, there is a kid here, keep your gay shit for private. I know it's mating season but we don't need kittens from you two-"

"SHUT UP, KAIBA!"

Joey watched in amusement as the two insane men glared at the CEO, then cleared his throat, "Way off topic, people. Movie,"

Everyone cooled down somewhat, and Ryou perked up slightly. "Um…how about…High School Musical-"

"How can you even suggest that?" Melvin snorted as he turned Ryou's way, "That's baby stuff, Fluff Ball."

Ryou blinked as everyone watched him silently for a reaction, but he wasn't offended. "…But we watched the first one together-"

"No, we didn't!" he barked out quickly, Bakura flinching away next to him. The elder Egyptian's eyes darted around suspiciously as he sunk in his spot "We didn't…"

Ryou stared in shock at the denial, then lowered his gaze in silence. Joey shifted uncomfortably, then cleared his throat with a fake smile, just to get up the mood. "Okay! Um…Yami, you pick a movie."

Yami pursed his lips to the left in thought, looking towards the ceiling as he debated, "Er…hey! I know!" he smiled, Yugi sitting up with a curious expression, "Let's watch The Mummy!"

Yugi, Marik and Mokuba smiled in agreement while Ryou cringed slightly, Bakura and Melvin slumping back as if bored, Kaiba rolling his eyes heavenward with a few mutters. Yami pouted at everyone's reactions and gave a shrug, "What? They are good movies."

"Yeah!" Marik agreed, "And they're on Egypt!"

"We should watch something British," Bakura suggested selfishly, "Who wants to see some dead guy in bandages chasing people."

"There is more to the movies than that, Bakura, and you know it!" Yami growled, everyone watching in silent intrigue, "And _what_…? Something _British_?"

"Yes," Bakura nodded stubbornly, "We don't get enough publicity."

Yami minutely shook his head angrily at the man, then suddenly pulled a smirk, "Oh I'm sorry, _Kura,_ I forgot to hire your favourite 'proudly British' movie…._Mr Bean._"

The room became a battle ground for colliding laughter as they all laughed at Bakura's expense, the man snarling uncomfortably in his spot. He hated being made fun off, he was a dangerous man, dammit!

"Oh yeah?" he spoke up as he grit his teeth together, "Well, at least I don't watch gay porn with leather fetishes-!"

"I do not watch porn!"

"Oh yes, you do!" Bakura insisted as he leaned forward with a smug grin. Yugi began looking towards the hallway, praying his grandfather wasn't hearing any of it, then looking back to the group with a small scowl, mainly for Bakura.

"Yami doesn't watch that stuff," he mumbled with a slight blush. Bakura glanced at him, then back to Yami, then back to Yugi who was looking at Yami.

"Everyone looks at that stuff," Joey shrugged nonchalantly, then poked a finger in Kaiba's direction, "Even him-"

"I do not!"

"I bet even Ryou does," Joey turned to the smaller white-haired male who squeaked in embarrassment and buried himself under a pillow and a duvet. Joey shrugged, "We all take peeks-"

"Can we choose a damned movie?" Seto spat as he itched to cover Mokuba's ears. The crowd silenced slightly, then Joey pulled a grin.

"How 'bout Men In Black? That's a cool movie."

"The first or second?" Yami inquired. Joey shrugged, "They both good."

"…I don't wanna watch that," Marik mumbled with a pout. Yami rolled his eyes, "I think we should let Yugi choose a movie, he sat through two horrors for us."

Mokuba and Ryou smiled in agreement and Joey slapped his palms together with a smile, "Great! Yug'?"

Once again Yugi was stuck, but bit his lip and decided what the hell. "…I want to watch…Rio."

"Me?" Ryou frowned. Yugi giggled and shook his head, "No, _Rio._ The cartoon movie with the bird…?"

"Ugh, _cartooooon_," Bakura rolled his eyes as he whined dramatically. Mokuba pouted and sent Yugi a happy smile, "I'd watch that."

"Me too," Ryou and Yami synced. Joey grinned, "I can too."

"Zorc help me…" Bakura sighed.

Yami held in a growl as Yugi hung his head at Bakura's comment, and held Yugi close. He looked up with a sigh, "Okay, for arguments sake, what _do_ you want to watch, Bakura?"

"Cannibal holocaust."

"ANYTHING else," the ex pharaoh sighed.

Bakura stared blankly at him, then hummed, and spoke after nipping his thin bottom lip, "…Chucky-"

"Next person," Yami cut in, and looked around, "Please, genuine answers."

"Harry Potter or anything with Adam Sandler." Marik piped up.

"Transformers or Hangover." Joey offered.

"Avatar…and um…Rio!" Mokuba cheered.

"Rio," Yugi chuckled, smiling gratefully at Yami, "Or something with comedy."

"Underworld and Blade," Melvin grunted, Bakura pursing his lips but nodding silently.

Ryou pulled his lips to the left, then giggled, "Deuce Bigalow."

Yami chuckled at Ryou's answer then looked to Joey, "Hangover sounds good."

Yugi smiled, then looked around at Seto who was laying back in his chair, "…And Kaiba?"

"What? Him?" Joey squinted, everyone giving Seto their very much unwanted attention, "He doesn't do movies. He _reads._"

"_Reading_," Kaiba sneered, "is essential, and educational."

"So is watching TV." Joey defended.

"And just _what_ did you learn from watching _The Hangover_?" the brunet countered.

Joey was quick to react though, he was always quick when it came to Kaiba, "That Mr. Chow is damn awesome!" Though that didn't mean his answers were well thought out.

Seto shook his head with an almost sullen expression, "You just keep adding more idiocy for me to use against you, Mutt."

"I bet that's not the _only_ thing you use against him…" Melvin muttered, the room igniting in sniggers and giggles, Joey burning red in the dark as he flung a DVD case at the Egyptian. The CEO's eye twitched as he stared at said man, but he said nothing nor did he do anything.

"What's wrong with cartoons?" Mokuba whined, oblivious to the implied comment, Yugi sending him a grateful smile.

Marik rolled his eyes, "We're not kids. Okay, maybe _you_ are, but you're almost a teen yourself! Have you started puberty yet?"

"Don't answer that!" Seto growled as he snapped out of his stupor, leaning forward in slight panic as everyone raised brows at him. Mokuba sent his brother an 'Are you crazy?' look but complied and kept his mouth shut.

Bakura smirked, "I bet Yugi hasn't reached puberty."

Yugi gaped in silent embarrassment as his name was brought up, both Joey and Yami jumping to his defense. "Hey! Leave Yug' outta that!"

"Aibou _has_ reached puberty," Yami growled, "He has a cute patch of hair down there now-"

"YAMI!"

Everyone stared at the pair as Yugi squealed and hid his head from view, leaning away slightly from his look alike. Joey wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry, or beat up Yami. "…And…how do you know…?"

"I-"

"YAMI!" Yugi cried again, from under the blankets. Even though his voice was muffled it clearly held an embarrassed tone. It was silent again as everyone stared, Seto and Marik both thinking '_I knew it_'.

"…Er…well…how about the movie, then?" Ryou spoke up, clearing his throat in the awkward situation. Joey managed to tear his eyes and questions away from Yami and rubbed his forehead.

"Let's jus' watch Rio."

"I'd rather watch Hangover if we're not gonna watch a horror," Melvin quickly added.

Joey sighed, "Okay, we watch Rio, then the Hangover. Then whoever is still up, we'll watch a horror. Okay?" There was a chorus of grumbling and mumbling agreements.

"…Let's watch porn later?" Melvin whispered softly to Bakura who squinted at him in the dark, then ground his teeth together, "If you behave, fine. But if you grope me or get frisky I'll cut you."

"Fair deal…" Melvin whispered back, then leaned away, "…until you get horny-"

"What?"

"Nothing."

**xXxXxXxXXxXxXx**


	3. The Kame and the Hair

**Chapter 3: The Kame and the Hair**

"Yug', that is a lot'a hair gel." Joey commented as he tossed an empty soda can into the almost full trashcan in Yugi's kitchen. The bin was full of empty gel containers. Yugi closed the fridge door and blinked at the trash can as if he was seeing it for the first time. The smaller teen then looked up and pouted in thought, turning and heading back to the livingroom where everyone else was situated, Joey following along afterwards.

"I guess you're right, now I know where all my money is going to."

"You know hair gel can't substitute for lube right?" Bakura smirked as the two walked in, Yugi's face burning deep red at the suggestion. Everyone sat in silent shock as they stared with their mouths agape at Bakura, except for Melvin who was chortling like a hyena, "I know the pharaoh is cheap, but surely he could spare a few more bucks. Chaffing is painful-"

"Shut up!" Yami yelled as he leaned forward in his seat, his own cheeks pink while Yugi's were burning lava, "Yugi and I do not partake in such things!"

"Oh sure, that's why you're being so _defensive_-"

"Shut up, _Kitty_!" Yami hissed as he glared daggers, then jabbed a finger at Melvin, "Or I'll pay your _Tom_ any amount he wishes to show you what _chaffing_ is!"

"I am not his Kitty!"

"_Kitty_!"

"Shut up!"

"Oh don't mind Kura," Melvin grunted as Bakura and Yami began edging off their seats towards each other in anger. Yugi had slipped off to sit next to Ryou with Marik while Joey sat on Yami's armrest. The older Egyptian smirked as he looked at the white-haired yami next to him, then grinned Yami's way, "He is just in a foul mood at me…having given him _ring sting _and all…"

Bakura froze in his seat like a robot being turned off, and felt his blood surface to his pale skin. Yugi, Ryou, Marik and Joey all stared at Melvin in confusion as they repeated his words in their head, on the verge of laughing as Bakura, spicy food and the toilet came into mind, but when seeing Bakura's face and the thundering laugh Kaiba and eventually Yami emitted made them confused.

"You-? He-? Ugh!" Yami exclaimed in amusement as he looked between the two insane yamis. Kaiba had his face buried into his palms as he laughed his head off, finally glad he bothered to come to this get-together. Yami mockingly gagged as he watched in pleasure as Bakura looked around nervously before gritting his teeth.

"It's not what you think."

"I'm sure it isn't," Kaiba chuckled into his palms.

"Nyeh?" Joey grunted in confusion as he and his friends looked around, "I don't get it. Did Melvin give him ya some curry or somethin'?"

"Oh yeah," Yami cut in as Bakura opened his mouth, "Some thick Melvin curry. I think Bakura liked it too, it was right up his alley."

Kaiba unceremoniously burst into another bark of laughter with Yami, the two dying in fits of amusements as Bakura itched to get a knife from the kitchen. Yugi and Ryou looked around in complete confusion as their hesitant and clueless chuckles died away. Joey was mouthing to himself as he tried to piece a few things together while Marik stared straight into Bakura's face.

Bakura was blood red by now, shifting away from Melvin who was grinning perversely. "It's not what you think! Nothing happened! Nothing! I-! Damn it Melvin!"

Ryou blinked as he watched his yami blush and stutter, then pouted, "I don't understand."

"There is nothing to bloody understand!"

"Uh oh," Yami gasped falsely as he stared at the livid Bakura, "He's all moody, must be the kittens-"

"I'M NOT BLOODY PREGNANT!"

Yugi and Ryou glanced at each other while Yami, Kaiba and Melvin drowned in laughter, Marik now gaping while Joey stared extremely hard making Bakura even more uncomfortable. The thief growled and tossed his bangs over his head, running a pale yet pink hand through his hair.

"…Anyone have anything _reasonable_ to talk about?"

"You started it," Kaiba reminded as he struggled to hide his smirk.

"Oh shut up, Officer Mullet."

"I wouldn't talk, _Fluffy_," Kaiba shot back as his smirk vanished, "You look like the yeti from The Mummy 3 with all that white hair."

The room filled with laughter and chuckles as everyone caught on this time, Bakura gaping in shock. Seto smirked superiorly, "What? Got a come back for me? Snowball?"

"Snowball! HAHA!"

Bakura growled dangerously as Joey tipped back on his small seat, laughing his head off along with the others, Ryou at least trying to hide his laughter.

"Didn't think so."

"I think Bakura had a fight with a bottle of bleach," Yami interjected, "and lost."

"You mean he swam in a pool of bleach," Joey added between laughter.

"Rather an ocean-"

"SHUT! UP!"

Ryou looked around as his laughter died down, and frowned, "…Bollocks…you're going to tease me too, aren't you? I'm just as white and fair as Bakura is."

"I won't let them," Yugi jumped in as he hugged his friend. Yami and Joey cooed at the sight, Bakura growling angrily.

"Watch your own back, _Yugi_," he sneered, "You and the pharaoh are going to start using hair gel for everything-!"

Yami grit his teeth, "We do not use it as lube!"

"AH HA! So, you do you _something_ as lube!"

"Wha-? NO!"

"You two just want to role play as a bunch of star fish! I bet you're turned on by it! Why don't you just buy SpongeBob outfits and get it over with!"

Yugi and Ryou gaped widely while Joey and Marik tired desperately to stifle their giggles, Bakura grinning triumphantly. Yami fumed on the spot, but turned his head away and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths to control his breathing. Kaiba was beginning to enjoy these sessions, they were actually highly amusing.

Once Yami was calm he opened his eyes and held his head high, as if playing out his royalty, "Despite what you think, _thief_, I'll always be the prince of Bel-Hair."

Yugi and Ryou burst into giggles, Joey and Marik grinning with the pharaoh, "Nice one, Yams."

"Bel-Hair," Yugi giggled again, blushing as he caught Yami's eye.

"I gotta say though, you guys got crazy hair," Joey admitted as he looked around the room, "Kaiba and me-"

"Kaiba and _I_…"

Joey glared at Kaiba but continued anyway, "Kaiba and _I_…seem t' have the only normal hair. Y'all have…over the top hair."

Marik raised a brow, "At least it's '_over the top_'. Your hair is like jail bait. They'd make you the Belle of the ball if you got sent to the slammer, blond hair and long legs? I feel sorry for you."

"Nyeh?!" Joey gaped as he looked around, Melvin and Bakura grinning while Kaiba smirked creepily. Joey screwed his mouth up and glared, "Hey! I ain't a blond glory hole!"

"Joey!" Ryou exclaimed as he held his pink cheeks.

"Oh no, they'd treat you like a princess," Melvin cackled, "They'd probably call you Barbie."

"Shuddup, ya asshole!"

"I prefer the name mutt for him," Kaiba chuckled gaining Joey's heated glare. He smiled minutely and gave a shrug, "…or puppy."

"You look like a bloody Golden Retriever with that poofy blond hair!" Bakura exclaimed. Joey blushed deeply and folded his arms in a huff, turning away from everyone and stared at the wall in a sulk. Yugi pouted in sympathy but didn't say anything, he didn't need anymore 'baby panda' arguments coming up.

"And me? I bet you can't say anything mean about our hair," Marik grinned, smirking when he saw Bakura fail for words.

Yami hummed in thought and scratched is chin, "Huh…you guys strike me as lions, you know, with the manes? Though Marik you're more like a lioness, Melvin would be the lion."

"That's big talk coming from Patrick Star!" Marik retorted, "Go hump your Sp-"

"NO!" Ryou screamed as he jumped up, "Don't say it! Don't even think it! PLEASE! Please don't! Ra help me…"

Everyone blinked at the teen as he slumped back into the chair, his hands hovering over his ears where he was ready to block them if Marik or anyone else decided to poison his mind. Yami frowned again and looked at the Egyptians, "How on earth did you get blond hair if you're from Egypt?"

Marik raised a brow, "How the eff did Bakura come to resemble a white candle with fluff on it-?"

"Hey!"

"-we don't know," Marik shrugged, "Maybe our mom was secretly foreign. Like a blond Russian model or spy or something."

"…"

"…"

Marik looked around, "What?"

"Well, that would explain your hot body and attraction to a bad boy," Yami chuckled, Marik in between blushing and scowling.

Ryou rolled his doe eyes and pulled a smile, "Guys, we were all made the way we are supposed to be, let's not fight and discriminate."

"Discrimination has been apart of the human race forever, it might never die." Bakura stated.

Joey nodded dismally, "Yeah, like as long as people like Kaiba are around, there might be another Hitler epidemic."

"I am nothing like Hitler!" Kaiba hissed, "If I was I wouldn't be sitting here with all of you!"

"Nah, you'd be ordering Melvin and Marik's death. Then Yugi's jus' cause he's small 'nd can't work in ya concentration camps!"

"What about us?" Ryou blinked as he looked at Bakura and Yami.

"He'd probably send ya t' work t' death cause ya _way_ too fair. Yami, he'd make ya his slave-"

"What?" Yami blurted out as Kaiba shook his head with an amused smirk at Joey's tale, "Why would he do that? To me of all people?"

"Well, ya proud and strong, he'd probably get sick pleasure outta breaking ya! He's sick I tell ya."

Kaiba rolled his eyes with a tiny smirk while everyone else wondered where Joey's brain had gotten too. Yami then raised a brow, "And what would he do with you?"

"Me?" Joey blinked, then a smile spread across his face, "Nyeh, I'd be okay. I'm handsome and blond, I'd be fine."

Marik grinned, "Oh yeah? Well I think he'd make you his personal slave that has to wear a dog suit-"

"Nyeh?!"

"-and you'd have this special little doggy comb that you'd have to use to comb his weird Nazi mustache!"

"EW!" Joey exclaimed as everyone burst into laughter, except Kaiba who was scowling and rubbing his upper lip, wondering if he forgot to shave.

"I think my hair is like candyfloss," Ryou blushed, "Though I wish it wasn't…"

"It's like soft snow," Yugi complimented, "I like it, it's… almost peaceful."

"Yeah, makes me wanna shave it off and use it as a fur jacket." Melvin grunted making everyone gape. He looked around blankly, "…what?"

"Touch hikari and I'll-"

"-touch me back? How kinky," the demented male grinned, everyone shifting away, especially Bakura. Yami couldn't help glancing at Bakura again as the earlier topic came into his mind, and laughed off for a bit.

After wiping his tears away, Yami turned at Kaiba, "Unfortunately, I think Joey's right. Between us eight, you and Joey have the most normal hair."

"Obviously, normal is good, you know," Kaiba rolled his eyes.

"And if Ryou's and Bakura's hair wasn't so white it could pass as normal. Same for Marik-though Melvin your hair is crazy wild."

"…Just like my pubes,"

"EW!"

"Ugh-!"

"C'mon!"

"Not cool!"

**XxXxXxXxXx**

Thanks for taking the time to read and review my work!


	4. Uke and seme

**I don't own YuGiOh!**

**Chapter 4: Uke and seme**

"I am not wearing that!" Yugi insisted with a dark blush as he swatted away the photo that Yami currently had pressed in his face. It had a mannequin dressed in a pink tutu. Only the mannequin was male.

Yami pouted but retracted his hand and rubbed a finger on the glossy paper, "I just thought it would make for good memories-"

"I'm not a girl, Yami! Why do you keep asking me to do weird things like I am one?"

"I don't! I just…thought you would look cute in it-"

"WHAT?"

"I said you'd look 'cute', it's a compliment for Ra's sake!"

"…Cute is for puppies,"

"…Would kinky work better-?"

"YAMI!"

"What the hell is all the bitchin' about?" Joey asked as he walked into room, Kaiba's rather large and luxurious livingroom. Joey had slyly gotten the better of the CEO and managed for them to all meet up at his house, much to the CEO's reluctance.

Yugi and Yami both looked up, blush now dusting both their cheeks and Yugi swiped the picture away from Yami and shoved it into his back pocket.

"Nothing!" Yugi stated quickly, then joined Yami in looking over Joey's shoulder as the rest of the guests arrived, first Ryou and Bakura, then Marik and Melvin.

"Hello, you pansies!" Melvin grinned as he strode in.

Joey growled, "Nyeh, the only pansy around here is Bakura."

"Hey!"

"Oh no," Melvin shook his head as mockingly as he could, "-don't call him that-! ...He prefers poofter ."

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Bakura roared as he threw himself at Melvin, tackling him to the ground.

"GET OFF ME, YOU FLUFFY FRUITCAKE!"

The room erupted in laughter as the two battled on the floor, hair and saliva flying everywhere. Entering the room last was Seto, who heard the uproar and decided to join them at last; he still wanted a livingroom when they were done with it.

"What the hell is going on?" Seto demanded as he pushed into the small circle made, his eyes widening at the two yamis stuck in a double vice grip on his precious carpeted floor.

"I think they finally gonna kill each ada!" Joey cheered.

Seto scowled, "As long as they don't get blood on the carpet, it's from Persia, you know."

"…So is this tutu-"

"SHH!"

"What tutu?" Ryou blinked as he stared at Yugi and Yami who looked like they were about to yell at each other. The two boys blinked back, then recomposed themselves and looked away.

"Tutu?" Joey asked. The room had quietened down except for the growling on the floor, but all focus was now on the two Kings of card games.

Yugi blushed red and punched Yami in the arm making the male wince and rub at the tender spot while sending him an apologetic expression. Everyone was staring at them now, even the two yamis on the floor had gotten up, staring at the two star-headed males as they dusted themselves off.

"…Well?" Ryou inquired with a hint of a smirk. Yugi bit his lip and glared at Yami, then hung his head, "…Yami wanted me to try on a tutu."

Everyone stared blankly at Yugi, then glanced at Yami who was pulling his lips into a small line of guilty admittance. They all turned back to Yugi who froze, then held his hands up, "But I didn't! I just-! I got angry, he's always coming up with weird things…"

"…A tutu?" Joey repeated.

Yugi stared at him, "…yes."

"…On you?"

"…yes-"

"HAHAHA!"

"Oh, shut up!" Yugi cried as he folded his arms and pouted cutely, dumping himself into a sofa couch. Ryou and Yami pouted at his cuteness while everyone else laughed, Seto rubbing his temple at the image it created for him.

"Well, I must admit," Bakura smirked, "Of all of us here I say Yugi would look most convincing in a tutu."

Yugi gaped and turned his glare on the white-haired male as everyone took seats, "'Convincing'? What is that supposed to mean?!"

Bakura didn't answer, instead he grinned like a lunatic and cackled softly before shaking his head. He leaned over to Melvin and whispered something to him that Marik caught, the three bursting into snickers as the message was conveyed.

"I'm right here, you jerks!" Yugi fumed.

"Don't be mean, share the joke." Joey chuckled, yelping as a cushion hit him from Yugi's direction.

Marik chuckled as he looked back at Yugi from the two yamis, "Kura was just saying you have the body for it-"

"ARGH!"

Yami made a noise of shock as Yugi growled next to him, then quickly placed a hand on Yugi's shoulder, "What Marik means to say is-! Is that er…er…that you …you're feminine enough for it."

The room went deathly silent as everyone looked to Yugi for a reaction. The tiny male stared blankly at Yami as his little hands tightened their grips on his own arms, "…what?"

Yami cringed and smiled helplessly. He swallowed at the dangerous look on Yugi's face, and opened his mouth, "I just think-"

"YOU THINK I'M GIRLY?"

"No!"

"I can't believe you!" Yugi cried as Yami blocked his small punches.

"…I can," Bakura muttered, sending Melvin and Marik into howls of laughter.

"Yugi, calm down! I just mean to say that you're somewhat feminine and you'd look good in a tutu. That's _all_!"

Yugi's blush darkened as the room ignited in snickers once more, "Oh! Load of help you are! I am NOT girly!"

"I did not say girly!" Yami defended, "I said feminine! There is a difference!"

"There is not!"

"'Cause there is," Joey cut in with a chuckle, "Girly is…when a guy dressy in all pink and tried to look like Paris Hilton. Feminine is…er…-"

"Like Ryou," Bakura finished, everyone turning to glance at Ryou who turned red. Yugi gaped, then pointed a finger at Bakura as he stared at Ryou, "Aren't you going to defend yourself?"

Ryou opened his mouth, then shut it as he looked at Bakura who grinned at him, then looked back to the expectant faces with a blush. "Er…well…I am feminine…"

"So is Marik," Melvin cut in, gaining a glare from his light, "I mean, look at him, he could be a model. A female model! No wonder he has Bakura chasing after him."

"See?" Yami asked as he patted Yugi's shoulder, "There is nothing wrong with being feminine."

Yugi bit his lip and looked around at the amused faces, then frowned and pouted back at Yami, "Oh, and I suppose _you're_ the definition of manly?"

"Bullshit," Seto suddenly cut in, gaining all eyes and ears in the room, "The pharaoh couldn't be _manly_ even if he tried!"

Yami frowned but raised a brow, "Are you saying I'm feminine?"

"I'm saying you're all girly geeks," Seto insulted, then glanced at Melvin for a second, "Besides Mufasa over there, he's more manly than all of you put together."

"Hey! I'm manly!" Joey snarled, only to be met with a hand in the face by Melvin who growled 'Save it for the pound'.

Yami pouted, then lifted his royal nose and stuck it in the air, "I'll have you know I have dominated many people before when I was the pharaoh. Men and women."

"Please," Seto scoffed in mockery, "You're as manly as a Winx Club character! If I wanted to I could easily over power you and take advantage of-" Seto cut off in mid sentence as he realised his words. He slowly shut his mouth and leaned back stiffly in his seat, avoiding anyone's eyes as faint pink dusted his cheeks.

Yami was blushing as well as he stared at the tall male, Yugi and the rest gaping between them.

Marik then smirked with a mischievous grin and raised a quirky brow that made Yugi nervous, "…what say you guys about a vote on who is manly and who isn't?"

"Why would you even bring that up? Are you looking for a teasing?" Melvin hinted as he eyed Marik's effeminate form. His hikari sneered back at him while Bakura looked around with an amused smirk, "I say we decide who is seme and uke."

"Seme and what-ke?" Joey frowned.

"I think Kura wants to know who is dominant and who is submissive." Ryou piped up, only to yelp and lean away as Seto jerked at him with a glare.

"Who said all of us are gay, creampuff?" he growled, snarling as Bakura leaned his way with a threatening glower, "What? Got something to say? _Snow Queen_?"

"HAHA-!"

"Shut up, mutt-" Seto added rudely making Joey shut his mouth, "-because if I had to decide, I'd say you're a submissive, hence the term 'bitch', which I think is better than mutt, don't you think?"

Yugi and Ryou gaped as Joey turned red and fumed heavily, the yamis and Marik laughing their heads off at the blond's expense. Joey ground his teeth together as his fists clenched, and looked around dangerously for something to throw.

"Even so," Yami managed to breathe out as he wiped a tear away, then looked up at Seto with a shrug, "It might make an interesting discussion."

"I agree!" Melvin grinned, then hit Bakura on the forehead with a chewing gum wrapper, "I say the Snow Queen first!"

"I'll cut whoever says that again!" Bakura threatened as he threw the wrapper back at Melvin who cackled wildly.

"Aw, darling, don't be like that-"

"I'LL CUT-!"

"Okay!" Yami cut in and held his hands up to gain everyone's attention, "Let's just start."

Yugi frowned and shook his head lightly, "I…I don't want to."

"Oh relax," Marik comforted, then grinned, "We all know you're uke-"

"Hey!"

"So! What is Bakura?" Yami asked as he looked around, purposely-ignoring Yugi's protests, "Personally I say he is seme."

"Second that," Marik added quickly, connecting eyes with the thief for a moment before blushing lightly and clearing his throat. Ryou rolled his eyes at the scene but nodded, "Bakura is seme."

"Nyeh…I guess he's seme…but ya gotta admit he'd look pretty is a dress, right?" Joey asked with a sly grin that made Bakura's smirk vanish.

"He's kidding, Kura." Ryou soothed, flinching as Bakura shoved his hand away. "Y-Yugi thinks you're seme too, right Yugi?"

Yugi looked up at Ryou's expecting face, then glanced at Bakura's death glare, and sighed with a nod, "Yes, Ryou…"

"See?"

"Well, I say he is uke," Seto smirked, a ring of challenge in his voice. Bakura glared at him, but to everyone's surprise he did nothing else. Seto smirked and leaned back in his seat when Bakura didn't retaliate, and waved a hand towards him, "He's clearly uke. Maybe he is seme to you wimpy dweebs, but to a real man, he's a fairy princess!"

"I agree!" Melvin announced, quickly looking away from Bakura's death glare, but Melvin knew he had Seto's support, so he continued, "To _real_ men, like Kaiba and myself, he is an uke. Very uke. Complete and utter uke…As in bent over the bed uke-"

"ENOUGH!"

"I think you're offending Bakura," Marik stated obviously.

Joey rolled his eyes, "No, duh."

"I am seme!" Bakura announced as he swiped his flat palms through the air, "Manly, seme, dominant, on top-all of it! Now move to the next person!"

"No need to shout," Joey complained as he rubbed his ear, then turned to Ryou, "Wanna be next?"

Ryou crimsoned, but nodded anyway with a small fidget, "Um…okay."

"Uke," a few people called out, laughing simultaneously as they looked around. Yugi and Seto hadn't bothered to answer; Yugi because he didn't want to offend his friend by calling him 'girly' and Seto because he felt it was painfully obvious.

Ryou blushed heavily and smiled anyway, knowing it was all in good sport. And true…

Joey threw Ryou a wink and glanced at Bakura, "See? Ryou didn't pull a fuss."

"Just wait till it's your turn!" Bakura hissed and folded his arms while a whiny child.

"Wait, I think Ryou could seme." Yugi added in with a stern look, "I mean, he's tough too."

Ryou blushed at the compliment with images of him being seme invading his mind. Marik pouted in thought, a stared sceptically at Ryou, "…Well…I _suppose_ he could seme…maybe….but it's hard too find them more uke than that."

"I think he could seme over Yugi," Bakura announced making Marik burst into giggles. Yugi gaped with a blush and locked eyes with Ryou who was looking equally as embarrassed. When Yugi finally got his voice back he opened his mouth and squeaked.

"W-why me?!"

"They have a point," Yami shrugged.

Yugi punched his arm, "You're agreeing with them?!"

"But you said-"

"I said Ryou _could_ seme, I didn't say he could seme over _me_!"

Bakura rolled his eyes, "Either way, Ryou could do both. Case closed. Who's next?"

While Yugi fumed, Yami rubbed his arm that was bound to get a bruise and sighed, "Let's get Yugi out of the way,"

"I don't want to know!" Yugi cried and blocked his ears quickly. Yami chuckled and petted Yugi's head, "Unfortunately, Yugi is uke."

"Uke," the rest nodded. Yugi, even though having blocked his ears, could see what they said, the short word easily recognizable on their lips. He groaned loudly and dropped his hands, "I can seme too, you know!"

"It doesn't count with women," Marik grinned, "Can you _honestly_ see yourself as the man in a gay relationship?"

Yugi opened his mouth with a determined glare, but to his embarrassment no sound came out. He squeaked in frustration, making Yami, Joey and Ryou coo at him, then drew his knees up to his chest and ducked his face into his knees, "SCREW YOU GUYS!"

"Sorry, Pal." Joey laughed heartily, "But ya uke. Okay, me next!"

"Uke!" Seto barked out instantly. Joey held a hand up to him and flashed his middle finger, "Nah! Your opinion is bias, so it don't count. Now, what am I?"

Yami pulled his lips in thought as he looked Joey over, "I suppose seme…but uke too. I say both."

"Is that allowed?" Ryou asked.

"No, he's uke and it's final."

"Chill, Kaiba." Marik chuckled, "I say yes, because I feel the same! I mean, Joey can top Yugi and Ryou-"

"-and you," Melvin grunted.

"Only if I was feeling extra kinky," Marik countered in order to keep his dignity, "As I was saying, he can seme over them, but he could bottom as well. Like to Kaiba-"

"Nyeh!"

"In his wildest dreams," Seto promised as he held back the naughty images and blush.

"I'd never bottom to Kaiba! That's impossible!" Joey swore as if swearing an oath. The rest of the room remained unconvinced.

"…You bottom to Kaiba every day, Joey." Yami corrected, "I mean…he beats you in everything. In including your own opinions."

"Not true! I got him t' let us hang in his house t'day!"

"This is a mansion," Seto growled in offence.

"Now that I think about it," Yami blinked, "You're always in the 'dog box' with Kaiba."

"Ha! That's true! I never made that connection," Melvin grinned widely.

"Good thinking, pharaoh." Bakura added with a smirk.

Joey gaped at Yami, then jabbed a finger his way, "What kind of friend are you?!"

"A good one, I never lie to you."

"Oh yeah, then I should be honest too! I think you are uke!" Joey accused, the room going silent as everyone looked at each other to see what they thought about the statement.

Yugi pouted and even though he couldn't help himself, he felt bad for Yami and placed a hand on his arm, "I think Yami is seme."

"Yeah, only because was inside you for a long time," Seto countered making Yugi red.

"Th-that's different! He was possessing me, n-not inside me!"

"I _was_ inside you." Yami insisted, then looked up at the other yamis, "Right?"

"Certainly!" Melvin agreed, then turned his insane glance at Bakura's hikari, "But I wish I had been inside Ryou too, he looks _so_ soft and warm."

The room went silent again as they all exchanged 'Is he mad?' expressions. Ryou tried to disappear next to Bakura as he tried to avoid Melvin's perverted grin.

"…Okay…? Um…so, back with Yami," Joey said, everyone's attention returning to the former pharaoh who sat looking unaffected.

"Seme," Marik shrugged, Ryou nodding with him.

"I say uke," Bakura muttered as he stared intently at Yami, "Seme with boys like Yugi and Ryou, but not with the rest of us."

"You're not with _us_, remember?" Melvin teased as he wagged a finger between himself and Kaiba, "You're as uke as Yami.

"I am bloody seme!"

Joey ignored their little spat and turned to Yami, "So? You're seen as uke."

Yami blinked at him, then slowly nodded, "…Okay."

Joey stared at him, expecting a huge debate, but instead Yami smiled slyly as he explained, "I prefer to think of myself as seme, as I have been many times before…but I won't deny that I can easily uke as well. As long as my seme is…worthy."

Yugi gaped up at his yami while Ryou giggled into Bakura's arm. The rest looked dumbfounded, staring at Yami as if he grew another eye. Before Yami could say another word, Melvin grinned with a trouble-making glint in his eyes, "Kaiba wants to know if he qualifies!"

"What?!"

"He does?" Yami raised his brows as he watched Seto positively blush and glare at Melvin who was sending him pervy winks.

"I do not!"

"Heh, I think he does," Joey grinned as he caught on and threw a smirk at Yami who flushed, "What do ya say, Pharaoh, is Kaiba worthy?"

Everyone kept quiet as they waited for Yami's answer. Yugi looked as if he was about to object, but he was a little too embarrassed by the turn in topic. Yami hummed and glanced at the tall CEO as he contemplated his answer, then bit his lip slightly before answering with a small smile, "…He's worthy-"

"HA! Yami has the hots for Kaiba! I knew it!" Bakura cried out making the hikaris jump and the two mentioned males flush.

"I do not," Yami argued, "I just said he'd be worthy. You, on the other hand, aren't even worthy of sucking my royal toes!"

"That's disgusting!"

"The image of Kaiba and Yami is disgusting," Joey muttered as he rubbed his eyes.

"Me now!" Marik called excitedly. Melvin rolled his eyes and swatted him over the head, "Why are you so excited about being labelled an uke?"

"I could seme!" Marik argued, "Right?" he looked around.

"…"

"Oh, come on!"

"To Yugi and Ryou yes." Melvin grunted.

"Especially Yugi," Bakura added, "In fact, I think even that Mai chick could dominate Yugi-"

"WHAT?" Yugi cried out, "How is that even possible!"

"You've obviously never been inside an 'adults' sex shop before have you?"

"No!"

"Oh I see," Marik nodded, "They use the strap-"

"We don't need to hear it!" Yami shot out as he held hands up to Yugi's ears.

Melvin stared at Yami like he was insane, which was ironic, and shook his head, "You hint for Yugi to wear a tutu for you, but you don't want him to hear about sex toys? That doesn't make sense to me."

Marik whined and flapped his hands, "Who cares? But you guys admit I could seme, right? Right?"

"Yes, Marik." Joey rolled his eyes, then landed his gaze on Melvin, "…I don't know about Melvin though."

"What's not to know?" Melvin looked up with small, sly eyes, "I'm an ultimate seme. Just like Kaiba-"

"Stop comparing yourself to me!"

"Any objections?"

"…"

"…"

"…er-…no…"

Melvin grinned, "Thought so."

"But that's not fair," Yugi mumbled, "By now I think we all have the potential to be both uke and seme, on different levels."

"That is like saying a man has the potential to give birth, it will never happen." Seto stated firmly, and glowered at the faces staring at him, "I will NEVER, not even in my _or_ your wildest, most bizarre dreams, will I EVER uke, to anyone! NEVER!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Guys…remember that dream I had about Kaiba and me…? Well…I lied."

Yugi frowned at Joey who was looking suspicious and a tad mischievous, "…you did?"

"Yeah, I wasn't the one crawling and dressed as a cute little doggy at it's master's feet…"

"…"

"..It was Kaiba-GAH!"

"YOU ARE DEAD, BITCH!"

**XxXxXxXxXx**

Just in case anyone is wondering, Joey was only joking around, heehee. Also I don't care what anyone thinks, but Seto being uke is extremely OOC. Just…unless he's being raped, or he is like...giving his partner a rare birthday present lol, then nope, never uke. I cannot see him being the bottom in a relationship, he's Seto freaking Kaiba! And I rest my case! And if you're curious, between him and Melvn, I think they'd rather fight to the death than bottoming to anyone, including each other.

But each to their own.


	5. Books

**Chapter 5: Twi VS Hp saga**

"Aibou, what on earth are you reading?"

Yugi jumped with a high-pitched squeak as Yami's voice sounded right in his ear. He shivered as the hot breath wafted against his skin, and once he left his limbs become mobile he quickly snapped the book shut and slammed it against his chest. He looked up at Yami's handsome face and flushed red, but not because of the man's gorgeous looks.

"Yugi?"

"I'm not reading anything."

Yami raised a regal brow; did Yugi still think he could hide things from him? "But you were, that's a book in your hands."

"I wasn't really reading!"

"…Oh-"

Before Yugi could burst out another line of defence, Ryou's voice echoed into the room from upstairs, the thudding of skipping footsteps down the stairs accompanying it, "Yugi! Are you finished reading Breaking Dawn? I would bloody well like to read it too, you know!"

Yami's brow connected as the words rung a bell in his head, while Yugi flushed again and scowled towards the figure that strolled into the lounge.

"Yugi, does she-oh, hey…Yami…" Ryou cleared his throat lightly as pink dusted his cheeks as well as he smiled guiltily to the yami while sending a knowing expression to Yugi, who was trying to hide the book further in his arms. Yami frowned between them and raised his hands to his hips; something was going on.

"Okay, you two, what's the story this time?"

"Twilight!" Ryou cried out immediately, only to yelp out two seconds later as he was pelted with the book Yugi previously had in his clutches, "Oops-! S-sorry!"

"He didn't mean that _literally_!" Yugi growled unhappily as Ryou picked up the book, rubbing his shoulder where he took the hit.

Yami simply looked between the two, lowering his hands, "…Twilight? As in the glittering vampires that is all the rage today?"

Ryou and Yugi shared a glance, "…yes."

Yami cocked a brow and eyed the book, then held a hand out to Ryou. Ryou stared at him suspiciously, fumbling with the book as he determined whether it was safe to give the book to Yami. He'd paid quite a penny for it and he hadn't even read it yet; Yugi borrowed it from him as soon as he paid for it, so he couldn't have it destroyed.

"I'm not going to eat it."

Ryou gave Yugi a sad look, in case Yami did decide to destroy it, and slowly extended his hand as if handing over a fragile egg.

Yami took it just as slowly, watching Ryou in slight confusion; what did the boy think he was going to do what the stupid book? When it was in his hands he looked down on it, his brow furrowing immediately, "…This is the last Twilight book?"

"Yeah…I bought the series last week."

"Huh…"

"What?"

"Nothing, I just…what does chess have to do with shiny vampires?"

"It-Well- See in the book…when they are on the isle, Bella and Edward play chess together."

Yami stared at the white-haired boy, then glanced at Yugi, "…And?"

Ryou blinked, "And what?"

"What in the name of Isis does that have to do with sparkling vampires-?"

"Stop with the sparkle comments!" Ryou huffed, annoyance licking at his nerves, causing Yami some amusement. "And the chess could translate into…difficult problems…or you know…like…difficult problems."

Yugi rolled his eyes at his weak defence and stood up from Ryou's couch to stand between the taller males, eyeing the book. "It's really interesting, Yami. And I'm almost done with it."

"…Didn't you read Harry Potter some time back?"

"Yes," Yugi shrugged, "But that is different to Twilight. This is about a love triangle and vampires."

"Did someone jus' put 'Twilight' an' 'vampires' in the same discussion? 'Cause I didn't see one vampire in Twilight!" Everyone's attention was rudely stolen by the loud, obnoxious booming of the familiar Brooklyn accent. Joey strode into the room with a raised but amused brow, Kaiba and Marik trailing after him.

Ryou pouted and raised his hands to his hips, looking like a scolding mother, "Twilight IS about vampires."

"Is not," Kaiba quickly countered, Ryou shrinking slightly at the unexpected recoil from the stoic man.

"How would you know, moneybags? I didn't think ya watch things like that." Joey grinned as he tried to make Kaiba uncomfortable. And failed.

Kaiba merely curled his top lip, "…Having a pleading little brother has its downsides."

"…"

"…"

"What?" Kaiba glared around, "I watched the first one with Mokie, he begged me to."

"…Why would Mokuba want to watch a corny romance movie with you?" Yami blurted out.

Kaiba's eyebrows fused into his hairline, but slowly it sank back to its blank state, "He just wanted company."

"That's weird." Joey admitted, "There's kissin' and stuff, didn't it get awkward?"

"Mokuba is mature, unlike you."

"Exactly…wouldn't he also want to scoot over and kiss someone…? Imagine he tried to and came face-to-face with his brother and-"

"MUTT!"

"Joey, please, you're going to give us images," Yugi scolded, Joey holding his hands up in defence as he shifted away from Kaiba. The blond didn't look very apologetic though, a light grin teasing his features; and Kaiba's patience

"You guys are reading Twilight?" Marik asked as he caught sight of the book in Yugi's hand. Yugi nodded with a small smile, then pouted up at Yami, "Mr. Pharaoh thinks it's solely about sparkling vampires."

"They aren't vampires-" Kaiba, Joey and Marik synced together making Ryou and Yugi huff. Yami shrugged apathetically and looked down at the damned book.

"They are right, Yugi. I mean…of ALL things…who comes up with _sparkling_-?"

"A creative person-" Ryou cut in, only to see it fall on deaf ears.

"Glitter on vampires? Yugi, I may be ancient pharaoh, but even I know that isn't right. I have seen enough to get a general depiction of a vampire, and sparkling doesn't fit it."

"That is your own opinion, Yami."

"Yes, it may be, but why sparkling-"

"'Cause they are gay fairies!" Joey shot out in amusement, causing Ryou to fume at him. The white-haired male grew a dark expression, one rarely seen on his pale features.

"They are not gay fairies!"

"Sorry, gay _sparkling_ vampires-"

"Joey! I don't tease your liking for liking Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings!"

"Ah, now that is some real art," Marik nodded, gaining glares from the other two hikaris.

"Excuse me, we are trying to defend Twilight here." Yugi stated with a persuasive hint and wind of his wrist.

Marik half nodded and half shrugged, clearly unable to be swayed, "Yeah, but…I still think Harry Potter is a lot better in every sense."

"I agree," Kaiba stated, looking around with a tight lipped expression, "I have read…_parts_ of the books from when Mokuba decided I should read to him like he was eight again, and I must say they are impressive."

"…You still read Mokuba bed time stories?"

"I read bed times stories…" a sudden voce drawled as it entered the room, everyone taking note of Melvin and Bakura who decided to pitch up. Melvin had on a dreamy look on his face, as if he was high on marijuana. "…_special_…bed time stories. Very explicit on the… _human form_. And positions-"

"We do not need to hear about your pornography," Yami snapped, saving Yugi the squirm inducing thoughts, "Especially when it probably has Bakura and Marik as its stars."

"HEY!

"What is extremely impressive?" Bakura asked, remembering Kaiba's last words before they walked in.

"My package," Marik grinned goofily, Ryou reaching over to swat him over the head with the thick book.

"SIS!"

"Ah-! Sis? You didn't say that when we compared sizes-!"

"SSH! Marik!"

"You guys are disgusting. We talkin' about Twilight." Joey informed, Bakura's interest perking a tiny bit.

"Oh, I know that. With the-"

Melvin jumped in at that moment, "The faggot fairies right?"

"Please don't use that word," Ryou glowered at Melvin, "It is offensive to gay people."

"Why do you care? Are you gay?" Melvin asked with a powerful grin, Ryou swallowing and forcing himself to look away.

Marik rolled his eyes. "For the love of frig-! What are we even talking about? Men don't discuss _Twilight_…"

Ryou scrunched his lips up, "Oh hush. I just think Twilight is a fun read."

"If you want to lose brain cells." Seto muttered.

Ryou fumed and glared at him, "If you don't like it then that is your opinion! We all like different things!"

"Yeah, I bet all Kaiba reads is huge business text books and shit." Joey chuckled with a taunting expression, leading to his disappointment when Kaiba not even bother to retaliate.

"And I read porn." Melvin stated happily, as if it was the most normal thing in the world. He received a few confused glances from his peers, Yami being the one to speak.

"Melvin…you _watch_ porn, not read it."

"Actually you can read it," Marik intervened, "It's like…erotic literature."

"I have samples-"

"No, thanks!" Yami held a hand up to the large Ishtar and shivered.

Ryou let out a small noise of annoyance, purposely ignoring the embarrassing topic of 'porn', and hugged the thick book to his body. "Guys, I like Twilight, so just leave it alone, I'm not bothering anyone!"

"You will be if you ask me to wear glitter for you," Bakura muttered, met immediately with a squeak of retaliation.

"Why would I ask that!"

"You tell me."

"You're disgusting, Kura!"

As the two bickered, the rest of the friends looked around, waiting for another to raise a point, preferably a more sensible one.

Which obviously had to be Joey and his loud mouth.

"I just think Twilight is for depressed teenage girls."

"Oh, really?" Yugi pouted, looking highly cute, "I beg to differ."

"C'mon Yugi, it's a borin' romance-!"

"It is not boring! It's captivating! It's a beautiful love story, you should just give it a chance!"

"Oh no, I ain't got time to read homework, why would I make time to read this?"

"Then you have no place to talk! If you've actually read Twilight _then_ you can complain, otherwise, ZIP IT!"

Panting slightly, Yugi blushed but held his ground, staring at everyone who was staring back. Next to him, Yami sighed heavily and shook his head. "I never should have let you read Twilight-"

"YOU DON'T CONTROL MY LIFE!"

"My Ra! Get a friggin room you two!" Marik yelled out at the two short males. Yami looked like he wanted to argue, but with the steam shooting from Yugi's ears, he held his tongue.

Kaiba felt highly amused, and reframed from out-right laughing.

"Twilight is just another story, so why are you targeting it?" Ryou was looking peeved, shifting from side to side as he itched to place his hands on his hips like a mother.

His question did not have much response.

Rather, it was met with a question.

"Okay then Ryou, what makes Twilight so great?"

Ryou, along with the rest, stared at Bakura who was holding a small smile. He really did look extra handsome when smiling, why couldn't he do it more often? Ryou blushed as the attention turned on him, and took a breath before attempting to convince his narrow-minded audience.

"...I never said it was great. But it's really nice. It's a love story, guys, about a girl that had to chose between two guys while going through a bunch of other problems. And there are vampires and werewolves, it's interesting! So why are you guys hating on it?"

Looks were passed around, some that Ryou didn't like, but he waited patiently. Joey was the first to speak.

"I ain't read the books," he glanced at Yugi, "but I've seen the movies, outta curiosity ya know, and I just think that it could've been so much better. Vampires shouldn't sparkle, those wolves were not supposed to be called werewolves, and I never saw Bella laugh once! C'mon, humour is a must, and she was as dry as a grape fruit. How can that be entertaining?"

Yugi pouted, but nodded to Joey's words, as did a few others. Ryou hummed, and looked at the book in thought. "I see you point Joey...but...blimey, not everyone is the same. Humour wasn't her strong point, and the book is a romance, not a humour novel. What was there to laugh about?"

"Er...Ryou, ya can't live your life without laughing, that's jus' crazy. You'll end up like Moneybags! He couldn't see a joke even if it wore Santa's beard and danced naked in front'a him-!"

"What!"

"-How could she not smile or laugh when she _apparently_ had the hottest guy ever? How does that make sense?"

"We all express our feelings in different ways, Joey! Just because you laugh at everything doesn't mean we all do! And she did smile!"

"No, she bit her lip."

"What?"

"I'm sayin' she never smiled, all she did was stutter and bite her lip-"

"You're losing valid points again!"

"Okay! Then what about the sparkle stuff? And 'werewolves'?"

Ryou made a noise in frustration. He resisted face palming, and looked up with a deep breath through the nose. "The authoress was only being creative! Girls like glitter! So she made her vampires like that! It goes with the 'No going in the sun' motto. AND I _have_ done my research, and there was no such thing as vampires turning to dust in sunlight, mythology doesn't say that! It's all Hollywood nonsense. Just like the werewolves and full moon, real mythology doesn't support the 'Full moon' theory."

"What? Where did ya hear that-?"

"I just said I did my research!"

"Even so," Yami cut in, "The movies held no appeal. They were bland and from the view of a teenage girl-"

"Exactly!" Ryou huffed, "The story is for teenage girls! Not for everyone, that is why some people don't like it! But that doesn't give you the right to bash it."

"Excuse me, anything in the public eye is allegeable to be bashed." The pharaoh retorted. "I'd know. I was King once and even _I_ was bashed-! Stupid slaves..."

Yugi pulled a face as his partner drifted off into ancient memoirs, and looked back to Joey. "Joey, I know the 'mythology' in Twilight is off, but if you look past that, and Bella's lack of humour, what else is there to pick on?"

"No personality."

"UGLY male leads,"

"Creepy Cullen Father-"

"No real plot,"

"Stupid fight scenes-"

"I think the names-"

"Predictable scenes-"

"Stupid book covers!"

"Okay, OKAY! Enough!" Yugi cried out. Everyone had decided to speak at once, throwing in their own opinions, none very sweet. "Now you're being childish, names? I thought their names fitted well!"

"What about the non existent plot?" Marik snorted.

"Excuse me, there _is_ plot!"

"There is no solid plot! It's baby stuff that any of us could have thought up! Tell me I'm wrong!"

"Y-you're wrong," Yugi huffed, "I know the plot isn't as deep as Harry Potter, but it's still there!"

Marik shook his head and folded his arms with a sarcastic expression. He pulled a grin, and shrugged, "Okay, let's summarise it then. First book: Girl falls in love with vampire. Second book: Vampire leaves, girl falls in love with werewolf. Third Book: Girl chooses vampire over werewolf. Fourth book: girl marries vampire, has baby. Werewolf falls in love with baby. Audience anticipates battle that never happens. They live happily never after, the end!"

By the end of his fluid rant, which neither Yugi nor Ryou had the gap to jump into, he cackled at the agreement he got from everyone else. None of them had thought of it all that way, even Kaiba was killing a few puppies.

"...That is **not** fair." Ryou ground out, his eyes burning dangerously.

"Did you read the books?" Yugi glared.

Marik shrugged, not bothered about their anger in the least, "Sure, I did. I read their reviews on the net-"

"Then your points don't count!"

"Actually Aibou, he sounds right, from everything I've gathered here and else where. In fact, if it's true, I don't think I'd ever read that crap-"

"YAMI! That's IT! You're sleeping on the couch!"

While Yami engaged Yugi in a glaring contest, Joey frowned, and gave them each a look. "...Ya make it sound like ya sleep in the same bed."

Feeling left out, Melvin leaned forward with a loud chortle and wagged his brows in a suggestive and highly embarrassing way, "Haha! Pharaoh finally scored!"

Ryou burst into giggles and grabbed his mouth to stop the sound escaping, and turned away at the red glare Yugi shot his way. Yami seemed just as red, and raised a finger which he aimed in Melvin's direction, and muttered a few curses in Egyptian.

"D-don't be ridiculous! I just meant that I'll make him sleep on the lumpy couches." Yugi rectified, eagerly trying to regain some dignity.

"A-anyway, we're discussing Twilight. The plot is thin, sure, b-but it is not supposed to be thick, it's just about Bella and her tale with Edward. No one claimed it to be a master piece."

"Actually," Kaiba droned as he shifted, looking a tad uncomfortable, "the herds of mindless Twihards claim it is the best thing since sliced bread."

"...And how would _you_ know."

"He has limitless internet," Joey smirked, "He probably came across it when browsing sparkly porn-"

"I do NOT look at porn!"

"Yeah, right!"

"Shut up! I only stumbled upon it, and I read it out of curiosity!" Kaiba growled out, his shoulders hunching to display his aggravation.

"...I still say you're a pervert."

"Then that's your problem!"

"Talking about perverts," Ryou grinned, "The bad guy in Harry Potter is also a pervert."

"He is?" Bakura frowned.

"The guy '_in_' Harry?" Melvin repeated, clearly in a lewd manner.

Ignoring them, Ryou remained neutral. "Yes, he's always grabbing onto Harry when he can, and he hugged that Draco guy! Plus...Harry is his _hor_crux. Tell me you don't see how wrong that sounds?"

As the group paused to think about it, Joey and Bakura caught on same time and laughed. Yami looked utterly confused, Melvin looked bored, Kaiba looked shocked, and Yugi slowly grew a light blush, owing to the fact that Marik whispered the connection in his ear when he figured it out.

"See? Bloody pervert I tell you!"

"Huh, funny you don't complain about Carlisle then," Marik grunted.

"Why...? What are trying to-?"

"I'm trying to say Carlisle is also a pervert. The man only turned teenagers into vampires, and paired them up as lovers when they were to be siblings."

"Esme was an adult, thank you." Yugi quickly defended.

"So? that's one person. What about all the others? He had a thing for kids! AND that Jacob guy!"

"Okay, now you're dead wrong!" Ryou almost yelled out. He'd grown red again, his dainty hands, (that Melvin and Marik often teased him about), were balled into bony fists. "He _imprints_ on her! And it isn't just romantic love! While she's a baby it's simply brotherly love and such! How could he be romantically in love with a baby! That's sick. You got some nerve..."

Melvin and Bakura howled in laughter at the little one's out burst, while Marik and Joey looked taken aback.

Kaiba however was the first to speak up. And not to Ryou's favour.

"See? Twihards also get all worked up when defending."

"I-I am not a Twihard. I'm just trying to explain that-"

"Save it, Flower, "Bakura smirked, "We understand, no need to bust a vein over it."

"Don't call me that,"

"Or what?"

The room erupted in a chorus of 'Oooh's and 'ahhh's as the white-haired thief smirked at his little ex-host. Said teen chewed on his lip irritably, trying his best to think of a come back. And to his luck, he thought of one before the time ran out.

"...Or else I'll call you Edward!"

"WHAT!"

"HAHAHAA!"

Ryou pouted smugly with his arms folded high on his chest, smirking as Melvin and Marik cackled at Bakura's expense. The thief didn't look impressed; then again, nor did he sound impressed.

"If you dare call me that I will show you the definition of pain!"

"Hey, hey, don't threaten Ryou," Joey warned.

Even though he was grateful, Ryou held a palm up to Joey, "It's okay, there's nothing he can do to me that I won't survive."

"Just because Melvin has gotten you into S&M doesn't mean you'll enjoy what I'll do-"

"Ack-! That's not true!"

"And I'll cut all that hair off if I catch you alone with him again!"

"You're not my father!"

"Thank Ra for that because he didn't do a very good job!"

"AH! You bloody git!"

"Whimp!"

"Bastard!"

"Fairy princess-"

"AH-! You complete ASS-"

And if this was what they were like around their friends, no one wanted to know what they were like when alone. Except Melvin, and probably Marik.

"Er...! Did he just call Ryou Rapunzel?" Joey whispered to Yugi, who held a hand up over his twitching mouth.

Yami shook his head as he followed the banter, and looked off with a sigh, "This is getting nowhere."

"Yeah..." Yugi had to agree. Ryou and Bakura were fuming with each other, the Ishtars were coating the floor with saliva, and Kaiba was killing more puppies. Could they never agree on anything?

"But Aibou, you like Harry Potter don't you?"

"Of course, but you know I like to stick up for the weak."

With a double take Yami gaped slightly at the smaller who had on a concealed smile, and let out a bark of laughter to which Yugi couldn't help laughing along to, "Oh Yugi, for a moment there I thought you lost your marbles."

"Haha! Where did you learn that term?"

"The picture box,"

"Yami, it's called-"

"A TV, I know,"

Yugi shook his head at Yami's folly, and turned his attention back to his group of immature friends. Who were now shooting insults around, and poor Ryou was all alone in his line.

"If Voldemort is so powerful why can't he_ magic_ himself a new nose!"

"If Edward wasn't a freak he wouldn't watch teenage girls sleep!"

"He'll be more romantic than any of you will ever be!"

"He glitters like a bitch!"

"TAKE THAT BACK!"

"NO!"

"...I think I should help Ryou," Yugi mumbled. Yami hummed next to him, but gave it no more thought; he was done with this stupid conversation.

The insults began to get personal and more insulting, and Melvin could not help getting excited. He loved chaos, and this group never lacked it, despite how many of them were considered mature.

In front of him the two white-haired males were at each other's throat, becoming hot and flushed in their verbal spat. And, being the morally inept citizen he was, he was entitled to becoming _excited_.

"Oh, just shut your gob!" Ryou hissed, itching to simply whip out his (tiny) fist and connect it with Bakura's dumb forehead.

"Yeah, Bakura...shut it around my di-"

"OUT! OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU BARBARIANS!"

And thus, everyone who wasn't Yugi was promptly kicked out by Yami, who had strangely begun to yell in a tone that would make you think he was...some kind of king.

All except Kaiba, who had on a "just-touch-me-boy-and-I'll-kill-you" expression when Yami began shoving them towards the door, was reintroduced to the street. Kaiba left with more dignity, muttering something about 'Who wants to be in this shack anyway...'

With a few curses and threats, Yami managed to get everyone out of their apartment. He stalked back to the livingroom where Yugi stood with his hands on his hips, his lips pulled to one side with a scolding expression.

"…What?" Yami muttered.

"You're so rude."

"Yugi, I came down to find you because I wanted us to play a game together, not argue with _them_ about books. And Melvin is getting cruder each day."

Yugi blinked at his explanation, and softened somewhat, but still held his small scowl. "Well, I was still reading that book, now I'm left on a cliffy and Ryou's gone, and he won't lend it to me until he's done."

"Oh…sorry, Yugi." Yami chuckled, a sheepish hint in his voice. He gave a small smile, looking for apology, and with his soft heart, Yugi quickly forgave him.

"Alright Yami," he playfully rolled his eyes, "What game do you want to play?"

"…I hoped you could decide for us-"

"Honestly Yami, you're like a big baby when you want to be."

Yami took the comment with a smile, and smiled gleefully as Yugi towed him off to play.

Innocent play.

**XxXxXxXxXx**


	6. Dirty Habits

I do not own YuGiOh

**Chapter 6: Dirty habits**

Yugi stuck his tongue in his cheek, and took a deep breath. He resisted the urge to rip apart the clothing that hung from his hands, and swung them slightly. He held Yami's jeans, pyjama shirt, sleeveless shirt and a random sock. And he was standing in the middle of the upstairs corridor… why weren't these articles in their drawer, or in the wash basket? _Why_ were they lying around on the floor like an abstract painting?

Because either Yami was a lazy pig, or he was still living with the mentality that he was a King to be waited on hand and foot.

Neither sounded fair.

Withholding the urge to scream out his frustration, he padded down the stairs and headed to where all the commotion was coming from, the livingroom. He would have been there sooner to join the get-together, but he was running late on his chores and he was determined to finish them as soon as he could- but thanks to Yami, it was taking longer than expected. It was his own fault though; he was too lenient with Yami, always doing most of his chores for him, not because he was a reincarnated king, or because they were very close, but because Yugi just didn't mind doing it. But now that he was rushing, he noticed just how much he allowed Yami to get away with.

Turning into the livingroom, he found his group of oddity friends talking loudly. Joey and Marik were making the loudest noise, looking very excited about something. Unfortunately, Yugi was not in the mood for the cheery atmosphere, and once his presence was noticed, and the fact that he wasn't smiling or joining in the ruckus, the room quickly quieted down.

Being the other resident of the house, and Yugi's yami, the former pharaoh nervously sucked his lips in between his teeth and sat up a bit straighter, locking gazes reluctantly with a very vexed Yugi. The small male was staring right at him. With no smile.

This couldn't be good.

He cleared his throat and gave his full (and nervous) attention to the smaller. "…Yugi?"

Yugi was not a mean person, but he was not weak either, he knew when to speak his mind and how to stand up for himself, so it was no problem for him to lash out, but he couldn't do that, he would hurt Yami's feelings. He stepped forward and dumped the bundle of clothing on Yami's surprised lap, then took a step back and placed his hands on his hips. Everyone was staring at him; he fought to hold back the inevitable blush.

Yami looked at the clothing, recognizing them as his own, and picked up his sock idly. "…Um… my clothes?"

"…Tell me Yami…where do clothes belong?"

"…Where do clothes…? Er, on…our bodies…?"

Yugi clenched his jaw to keep himself from smiling at the silly answer. "…No Yami."

"HA! I didn't know you want to be a nudist, Yugi," Melvin grinned. Instantly Yugi crimsoned, but he managed a glare.

"NO-! I'm talking about something else!"

"Hey man, it's okay if you want be a nudist, you got nothing to hide."

"UGH, you are twisted, Melvin."

"Thank you-"

"Yami, please answer."

Said male pulled his glare away from Melvin, it softened when it reached Yugi, and turned into a cringe. "Um…I… I don't understand what you're asking… Yugi I'm confused-"

"Yami it is simple! Where do we keep our clothes?" Yugi whined, highlighting each word with an irritable gesture of his hands.

By now Marik and Joey were chuckling, Bakura was sniggering, and Kaiba was wondering how the King of Games couldn't answer such a simple question.

"Need help there?" Bakura cackled.

Yami shot him a dirty glare, and looked up to Yugi with a shrug, "The cupboard?"

A few of them rolled their eyes, but Yugi forced a smile. "Right, Yami. Now, stay with me. Why did I bring these clothes to you?"

Crimson eyes travelled down as he studied the clothes, and he almost said "…To…wear?" but how could he wear jeans, a pyjama shirt, another shirt and… one sock? That didn't sound right. He glanced up, his face portraying his confusion.

Yugi's left eye twitched and he dropped his hands from his hips, Yami opening his mouth in fear at that familiar action. The former scratched his forehead, pulling a slight face. "…Yami… by my own choice I do most of the housework around here, but I find it very irritating when you leave clothes just lying around! I found these upstairs in the corridor, just lying on the floor. What is that in aid of? Why do you have to just leave them lying around? I barely ask you to do anything, can't you at least throw your clothes in the laundry basket if they're dirty? Or back into the draw if they're still clean? Why do I have to ask this in the first place?"

His tone didn't hold as much anger as Yami had feared, but the mere fact that Yugi was upset made him worry. He moved the sock around in his hand idly, looking up with big apologetic eyes, hoping Yugi would get the message.

And Yugi did, he knew that expression, but he didn't want to give in, he wanted Yami to learn and not have a repeat of the incident. He pulled his face into a 'Well? I'm waiting for an apology' expression, and bore it down painfully on the other.

Then, breaking the moment, Marik grabbed the sock out of Yami's hand. "What is this? A willy-warmer?

Joey choked on clean fresh air and erupted into laughter. Most of the gang followed along, chortling and giggling as Marik waved the blue fabric around.

Both spiky-haired males were blushing at the question, and Yugi grabbed the sock back when Marik had his head thrown back in amusement, "It's a sock!"

"You sure?" Bakura asked, his eyes narrowed and clearly devious, "Because it looks too small for a foot."

"Yeah, doesn't have much of a foot shape either. It looks like a-"

"IT'S NOT-! _THAT_!" Yugi hissed, crunching it up into a ball in his hand, "It's a new sock! That's all."

"Defensive much," Marik teased.

"UGH. Yami, I just want to know that you'll stop being lazy and stop leaving clothes lying around. It's a dirty habit."

There was no enjoyment to be had by upsetting Yugi, certainly no pleasure in it. Yami nodded convincingly and gathered the material in his lap. "Okay, okay, Aibou. I won't do it anymore. I didn't even think about it…I just… I'm sorry."

"…And it's okay, just try not do it again."

Yami smiled, and nodded his thanks for being forgiven.

Blinking at the cheesy sight, Marik threw one leg over the other and studied his nails. "You know who has a worse dirty habit? Melvin. He leaves his porn lying everywhere."

Various expressions were thrown at said male, but he stared blankly at the younger Ishtar. "I leave it lying around for you."

Marik blinked, and turned with a frown. "For _me_? Why me?"

"And for Bakura. I like to share."

Ryou, Yugi, Yami and Kaiba shook their heads at him. Bakura looked a tad bothered, but otherwise stoic. Marik looked as if he was facing a tough math problem that he was trying to decipher on Melvin's face. "…Well don't, I don't use it."

"No? But it seems to move around a lot-"

"Yes because when Ishizu or Odion or Ryou comes over I gotta hide them, I can't leave them lying around, they'd think it's mine!"

"What's mine is yours, Marik dear-"

"I don't want your porn-"

"Don't I look at the right stuff-?"

"It's not that-!"

"Oh, I know! You want to see _seme_ men! OH sorry, I hadn't thought of that, I bought mostly shota."

Everyone in the room was feeling some level of awkwardness, Yugi and Ryou suffering the most as they had both been called a shota by Melvin at least twice, but never gave it much thought. But now, to know he'd been linking them with underage boy porn…that was awkward.

Marik for once shut his mouth and looked away as if the moment didn't happen, wondering which god could have created Melvin. He put his money on Loki, that evil trickster. And Apep.

Taking advantage of the silence, Bakura spoke up. "As entertaining as that was, I must say I am curious, who else has a bad habit?"

"Everyone has bad habits," Joey shrugged. "What's yours?"

"Mine? I…I don't know."

"He snores in his sleep," Marik commented.

"…And how do you know?" Joey raised a brow.

Marik stared at him, eyes wide, but soon they relaxed and he shrugged, "From sleepovers is all."

Bakura found sudden interest in his pants when he and Marik became the centre of attention. Ryou pulled his lips into a tight line, and gave his attention to Joey, "What's your bad habit?"

The blond took on a thoughtful expression. "Me…? Er…"

"Joey's has to be his over eating," Yugi chuckled, "And failing to clean the dishes afterwards."

"Really? Ain't that part of being a guy?"

"I don't do that Joey."

"Oh."

"Because you're a shota, not a guy."

"Shut up you," Yami growled at his fellow dark.

"I agree on that though," Kaiba hummed, "Joey is going to lead world hunger if he is set loose."

"Ahaha, very funny." Joey sneered sarcastically, "Yeah, okay, I pig out, so what?"

"Maybe learn some manners while doing it, like…_not_ talking with your mouth full." Marik hinted.

"Or picking your teeth in front of everyone."

"And burping as loud as a plane."

"Or-"

"OKAY! Okay, jeez! Get off my damn case! Pick on someone else-! Like Marik!"

"I don't have bad habits,"

"Yes you do," Ryou piped up, "Like taking hours to get ready when you go out? And actually it's _you_ that snores."

Marik frowned heavily and sat up straight. "I snore?"

"Occasionally," Melvin confirmed, and brushed a bang out his face, "but I find your midnight moaning much sexier."

Marik blushed, and swatted his hand away, "I can't control my dreams!"

"Am I ever in those dreams?" Joey asked. The question was completely unexpected, flabbergasted expressions thrown around the room.

Yami was particularly surprised, "Why would you ask that, Joey?"

"Not for the reason you guys are thinkin', ya pervs, but all Marik seems t' know is Bakura and Melvin, it's like he has two chip-n-dales whenever he wants!"

"Hey! It's not like that!" Marik defended, "They're the only two that will do crazy and dangerous things with me!"

"Like spray deodorant on light bulbs so they explode?" Yugi shook his head in a scolding way, but Marik's face brightened. "Yeah! Like that! The rest of you get boring."

"…So that makes Melvin and Kura right for ya sex dreams?"

"I never said they were sex dreams, Joey!"

"How did we get from bad habits to Marik's sex dreams?" Yami sighed.

Ryou rubbed his forehead and nodded, "Yes, let's change the subject. I'd say my bad habits are… being a clean freak…and… not standing up for myself."

"I think you are brave for admitting that," Yugi comforted. Ryou gave him a grateful smile.

"I keep trying to toughen him up," Bakura muttered, "Doesn't seem to work."

Ryou's face darkened, "And I keep trying to get rid of your knife collection because one day we're going to get hurt with it!"

"He really has that?" Yami chuckled.

"Yes, and he spends hours on end polishing them, talking to them- he even _whispers_ to them! It's creepy and not at all healthy."

Bakura rolled his eyes with heavy sarcasm. "Oh gosh, _mother_, could you get off my back about it? It's my business! It's better than your obsession with cleaning 24/7, you're like a wife."

Ryou gaped audibly at the accusation, and felt his cheeks flame, "There is nothing wrong with cleaning! Clean is good! Unlike you that wears the same socks and underwear for days!"

"HAHAHAA!"

"I DO NOT!" Bakura barked, snarling at Joey and Marik for laughing, "I do not! My clothes just all look alike, I have no time to be shopping like a woman, _again_ like you do!"

"Bakura call me a woman again and I am going to cut myself and call the police, and tell them you've been hurting me with all those stupid knives!"

"How dare you threaten the knives!"

"YOU AND THOSE BLOODY KNIVES-!"

"WHY I OUGHT TO-!"

"OKAY! OKAY! ENOUGH!" Joey cried, waving his palms through the air, "Jeez! Get a room, will ya! Now shut up both of ya, Kaiba next."

"Pity Mokuba wasn't he, he could tell us all about Kaiba's life behind closed doors," Marik grinned.

"Yeah, jus' where is Mokie?"

"I told him to study, he's at home," Kaiba rolled his eyes as if it were obvious.

"AHA!" Yami cried, pointing a finger at the disgruntled male, "I know what Kaiba's bad habit is-! It's being overly controlling. Seriously, you dictate like a tyrant, Kaiba."

"Well obviously," said male scoffed, folding his arms, "If I don't take charge no one will. And it's common knowledge that people need to be forced to do something before they do it, it's an unwritten truth of humanity."

"Well then, being a robot, you must be glad you aren't part of the human race." Bakura teased.

Kaiba stoically stared at him, "I am, and aren't you? Being a hissy pussycat?"

Melvin and Marik grinned happily and quickly turned to Bakura to enjoy the look on his face. Said male bit on his lip, and said nothing. He was tired of losing arguments with the CEO.

"What other bad habits do ya have?" Joey asked, half expecting no answer. The brunet actually seemed to think about it, but eventually shrugged. "Nothing that would amuse you all."

"Aw, c'mon, nothing at all?"

"…Does working constantly count?"

"Ya borin', Yug', you next."

Yugi blinked and frowned as all eyes landed on him. "Me? Oh, um… I don't know."

"Yami you live with him, what bad habits does he have?"

Said male opened his mouth silently, but soon closed it, unwilling to offend Yugi, even though he had nothing to say. He shrugged mutely. Yugi rolled his eyes. "I don't know…er…I… never switch off lights when I leave a room. And… I kinda stick wet tea spoons into the sugar jar."

Finally some reasonable habits were surfacing. Joey quickly raised a hand, "Oh! That reminds me! …I tend t' leave the bathwater in after bathing. Sometimes I never pull out the plug till the next mornin'."

"Ew," Yugi cringed at the image.

"Now that you mention bathing, that reminds me of Melvin," Marik begun with a slight glare, "After he's done showering or bathing, the whole bathroom is wet! Like a tsunami came along and drenched the floor and walls."

"So what? I enjoy my baths. Beside, that only happens when I have someone there with me-"

"And moving on," Yami cut in, "Does cramming chocolate wrappers into the stairs railing count?"

Yugi gaped and did a double take over his shoulder towards the stairs, "WHAT?"

"Er…"

"You're a bunch of pigs," Kaiba snorted, "Completely uncouth and lacking etiquette."

"We weren't all born with silver spoons in our mouths," Joey growled.

"Neither was I, Mutt, but I still taught myself proper manners."

"Yeah, jus' like a robot."

"Keep saying that and I'll show you what a robot can do."

"Relax Kaiba, your emotions are rising." Yami chuckled.

"Yeah, robots ain't got feelings!"

"Ryou's got a bad habit,"

Everyone looked at Melvin, Ryou glaring at him. "Excuse me?"

The tall Egyptian cackled lowly, "He drools when he sleeps."

Blush suddenly assaulted Ryou's cute face, and he was about to retort when Bakura beat him to the punch.

The elder white-haired male leaned over threateningly, and began to hiss at his fellow psycho. "I thought I told you to stop watching Ryou sleep! What are you? Edward Cullen? Stay. Away. From Ryou!"

"Hey, when anyone stays in my house I have the right to look at them when they sleep. And when they're awake. And when naked if I wish, hence the bathing-"

"No Melvin," Marik shook his head, a scolding expression on his face as if he were talking to a child, or someone mentally disabled, "No."

"Why has no one mentioned Kaiba's habit of obsessing over the Blue Eyes White Dragon?" Yami hummed.

"I bet he does weird rituals with dragon statues in his bedroom," Joey laughed.

"Oh yes, you would know all about his bedroom, wouldn't you, Joey?" Melvin hinted with an exaggerated wag of his brows.

"HEY!"

Frowning and disgruntled, Kaiba growled, "Why must you throw Joey on me? What gives you all the idea that there could possibly be _anything_ happening between us!"

"Because I had a premonition!" Marik announced, throwing his arms out with a mystical expression. Bakura muttered something that sounded like "Oh, I gotta hear this…"

"Really…?" Joey asked, Kaiba rolling his eyes dramatically.

"Yes! I saw the most peculiar thing! I saw-! The Blue Eyes White Dragon-! Humping-! THE RED EYES BLACK DRAGON! HAHAHAHAHA!"

While Marik laughed his head off, Joey scowled, "Ya sure that wasn't jus' one of ya perverted dreams?"

"It's like that time I dreamt of Pokemon breeding," Yami murmured, wincing as Yugi kicked his shin, "It was a weird dream! You're the one that introduced me to Pokemon!"

"I repeat, you're all pigs," Kaiba huffed, "And Blue Eyes would never do such a thing."

"It was mating season Kaiba, your dragon didn't know what hit him. But Joey your dragon knew for sure what hit him, HAHAHAHA!"

"Oh shut up!"

"You're getting worked up over trading cards," Ryou shook his head in amusement.

"Cuz they tryna imply somethin'!"

"Joey your other bad habit is not knowing when you have lost," Yami said, and shrugged when Joey glared at him, "It's true!"

"He always loses," Marik added.

"Now that's mean," Yugi scolded. "Joey is strong and you all know it."

"Yeah! Thanks Yug'."

"Okay, this is getting boring." Melvin sighed, "I'll be leaving now. Coming Ryou?"

"Hey! I bloody well said Ryou isn't going anywhere with you!"

"We need to finish the photo shoot!"

"…What photo shoot?

"M-Melvin-"

"The Lolita one of course!"

"…"

"Nyeh? What's that mean?"

Marik grinned with his dark as they stood, gesturing for Ryou to follow them. Melvin was looking very proud of himself, and Ryou was looking like wanted to disappear.

"It's the female version of shota."

"OVER MY BLOODY DEAD BODY!"

"…"

"…"

"Which can be arranged,"

"ARGH MELVIN!"

**XxXxXxXxXxXx**


	7. Prison

**I do not own YuGiOh. I do own this unhilarious work though.**

**Chapter 7 Crime**

"Ya know, ya act all tough Kaiba, but I bet my left nut that ya could never survive in prison! _Never_!"

All eyes quickly found their way to one of the tallest of their group, it was no surprise Kaiba was the target of Joey's taunting. It was as if they lived to annoy and debase one another, expect Joey always started it, and wittily, Kaiba finished it.

The latter male stared straight back at Joey with disinterest, reclining back in his comfy sofa. He was relaxing, he was calm, he was Seto Kaiba. How long would it take the stupid blond to realize he wasn't going to jump up and retaliate like some wild buffoon? That was the reaction Joey got out of everyone else with his ridiculous teasing, but he would not get it out of him.

"Well, Moneybags? What? No come back for ole Joey?"

"…If anyone wouldn't survive in prison it's you."

"Nyeh? But I-"

"Just because you turned erratic Nick Jagger moves into street fighting doesn't mean you will survive in prison."

"Okay, first off, it's MICK Jagger, and second, I'll survive I prison! I can fight, I'm tough, I know how t' deal with dodgy people- I grew around all that crap." 

"Er Joey, I know you had a rocky start, but I think prison would be much, _much_ worse." Yugi commented, watching his friend with a light cringe.

"Obviously," Kaiba rolled his eyes, "but Wheeler thinks he's Van Dam, most likely."

"Or maybe Hercules," Melvin teased, igniting a few chuckles.

"Or that Thor dude," Marik added with a suggestive wink, "Blond and buff, eh?"

"Oh, shuddup!" Joey cried. "Like ANY of ya could handle prison!"

A bunch of disagreements were raised, crowding Joey with their two cents. Kaiba smirked and shut his eyes as he reclined in his seat and enjoyed the sounds of Joey digging himself into a hole.

Jabbing a finger into his own chest, Bakura wore a convinced and hard expression. "I'll have you know that in my past life I was a darn good criminal! If anyone could survive in prison, it's me!"

"You're forgetting someone,"

"And Melvin," Bakura added dryly, "But yes, we're the two toughest men here, we'd survive in a prison. The rest of you would be crushed."

"What about Kaiba?" Marik asked. Bakura sighed in response, "You should know by now he isn't included."

"But what makes you guys better candidates for prison and not me?" Yami spoke up, "I can kill a man too, you know. I haven't gone soft."

A few 'Are-you-serious?' expressions where sent his way. Yugi blushed as pointedly looks came his way, he knew they thought he 'tamed' the Pharaoh. And with rather lewd rumours to go with it. Which were not true, he insisted.

"Hello, and I can't?" Marik rolled his eyes.

"I don't think that counts," Yugi shook his head, "People get sent to prison for murder. But that doesn't mean you'll survive in prison because you can murder. I mean I heard even rapists get beat up in prison."

"Imagine sharing a cell with a rapist," Ryou shuddered, "That must be frightening."

"That's how I feel most of the time," Marik blinked, looking at his darker half that responded by letting his tongue loll out.

"You have to be tough to make it in prison. If you show fear, you get hurt. You kill or be killed."

"…You rape or be raped…"

"Melvin shut ya trap," Joey barked. "Prison is a tough place. Yug', Ryou, I NEVER, wanna see you guys in there, I don't even wanna imagine the trouble you'll get into!"

"Heeeey," Marik whined, "What about my safety! Don't you care if I get raped?"

"I do," Joey replied, "But knowing you it's 'cause you provoked it."

"Are you calling Marik a slut?" Bakura growled.

"No! He's my friend! I just mean he's seductive."

"…I don't know whether to be flattered or freaked out." Marik admitted.

Bakura and Melvin were both looked peeved, glancing at Marik with a possessive glint in their eyes. Ryou pouted, and tucked his hair behind his ears. "I don't think any of us would survive in prison. We're not evil."

The yamis all looked at one another. Yugi raised a brow but said nothing. Kaiba opened his eyes to pass his superior gaze around the idiots.

"As a psycho I'd be welcomed in prison." Melvin hummed.

"Yeah, a 'frothing-at-the-mouth' psycho like you would be bowed to," Bakura rolled his eyes.

"If it helps, Fluffy, I think you could manage in prison," Melvin smiled, "With me there to watch your back…"

"Of course," Bakura sighed rubbing his temples.

"You mean watch his ass," Yami snickered. The rest grinned in response, save for Yugi and Ryou.

"Well personally, I don't see why Kaiba wouldn't survive in prison," Yugi defended, "I think the only thing that would affect him is the lack of constructive things to do."

"And being around uncouth goons." Ryou added.

"Makes you wonder how he can stand being around us." Yami chuckled.

"Hey! I'm not an uncouth goon," Joey scowled, "Melvin and Bakura yes, but not the rest of us."

"I'd hate to be in prison," Ryou looked around, "I mean imagine living with hundreds of criminals that committed crimes like murder and rape? I think I would fret! I'm too soft for prison."

"I agree," Yugi cringed, "You have to be really twisted to do such things… I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, even if I had my own cell. I mean…you hear stories, and it makes me sick."

"…Sounds kinky to me," Marik shrugged. He blinked at all the expressions sent his way, and held his hands up, "I mean for roleplay! I mean…yeah."

"Sounds horrible and boring," Yugi countered. "What would I do in prison all day? No games, no cards, no friends…"

"Hey, imagine if we were all in prison together! Now, I think I could handle that," Joey grinned.

"I call dibs on Ryou and Marik!" Melvin barked, immediately infuriating Bakura. "What?" he smirked.

"I would never let Ryou share a cell with you! You'd fiddle with him just because he looks like me!"

Ryou flushed heavily, particularly embarrassed by the word 'fiddle'. Melvin was laughing silently, but didn't bother to answer. Marik suddenly leaned towards the white-haired thief, mischief dancing in his eyes, "Calm down Bakura. Ryou could share a cell with Melvin, and I could bunk with you! That way you can get him back!"

"…How would that work?" Joey frowned.

"He can fiddle with me and act like he's doing it to Melvin!"

Bakura stared wide-eyed at the smaller Egyptian, oblivious to the death glare now painted on his fellow psycho. Ryou looked positively disgusted while everyone else had mixed expressions.

Marik noticed the response, and quickly lowered his hands and grin. "I was just joking."

"You'd better be," Melvin growled.

"So gross," Ryou hissed softly.

"…How did we end up talking about this?" Yugi asked. Yami shrugged, looking amused, "I don't know."

Kaiba rolled his eyes slowly and folded his arms over his chest. He smirked lightly. "Besides, none of you dorks are hardcore enough to win a ticket to jail. Besides Mufasa and Fluffy maybe. And Marik for being their accomplice."

"How sweet," Marik cooed, batting his eye lashes.

Joey, obviously, pulled a fuss. "Hey, I can be hardcore if I want!"

"Everyone can do something worthy of jail," Yugi's face darkened, "If pushed to."

Everyone looked at him, then to Yami. If anyone knew what was going on in Yugi's head, or pants, it was him. This time however he didn't know what was happening. He tilted his head and placed his hand on Yugi's forehead, "You okay, Aibou? You haven't been your chirpy-self today."

Yugi shrugged, his expression lifting, "I'm fine. I'm just saying we are all capable of terrible things when provoked. If anyone hurt you guys… I don't know what I'd do to them."

"I know what they'd do to you," Bakura mumbled, causing Marik to burst into laughter.

Yugi glared at them, "Funny."

"I think Yugi is right," Yami frowned, "When pushed, we can all do terrible things. Some people end up in jail because of revenge crimes."

"Kinda like Bakura's past. He was driven to do the things he did," Ryou commented, and gave Bakura a glare, "Not that I am accepting all the hell he put us through."

Melvin rolled his eyes as everyone ganged up on the thief, and waved his hand around for attention, "BORING. Let's go back to the prison sex! I'll stay with Ryou and Marik. Yugi can join to-"

"And this is the part where you shut up," Yami drawled. "If we were in prison, I'd be with Yugi. I wouldn't trust any of you with him. Except Ryou and Joey."

"Not even me?" Marik pouted.

"No," Yami frowned. "You can stay with Bakura. I feel bad for Ryou with Melvin though. Joey you'll have to stay with Kaiba."

"Not this again…" Kaiba sighed. Joey pouted heavily, but placed a hand on his chest and the other he held up. "Fine, fine, I accept that."

That was a surprise for them all, Bakura and Melvin quickly directed their attention to the blond wondering if he was finally going to admit 'it'. Yugi raised a brow, and gave Yami a look, before giving it to Joey. "…Really?"

Joey pulled an 'of course!' face and shrugged, "I finally realised why you guys keep putting us together."

"…"

"…"

"…because we know you guys have the hots for each other?"

Joey rolled his eyes at Marik, and pulled his lips into a tight line. "No. It's because I am the only guy here tough enough t' handle Kaiba's bullshit! Seriously! The rest of you can't handle him. That's why ya keep pushin' _me_ on 'im!"

"…My mind…saw that different…" Marik mumbled, rubbing his temple as he stared off.

"I'd like to point out that I can handle Kaiba too," Yami sat up straighter, looking at Joey, "And stand up to him. You may handle it, but you never win with him. I, on the other hand, own his ass constantly."

The grin on Yami's face infuriated both Kaiba and Joey, and amused Yugi. Yugi could also stand up to Kaiba, but not nearly as good at Yami could.

"I wonder what crime I'd commit to get into jail…" Marik wondered.

"Mine would be theft." Bakura smirked.

"Well, DUH," Marik scoffed, dodging a swipe. "Though I wonder what mine would be…"

"Mine would be beating someone up!" Joey announced, "Prolly some asshole who picks on my friends."

"Naw, that's sweet." Ryou giggled.

"And you?"

"Me?" Ryou 'um'ed and looked around the ceiling. "Er…"

"Withholding information from the cops to save Bakura," Yami offered. Ryou lit up, "Yeah! That sounds like the most I could do…"

"What about you, mighty Pharaoh?" Bakura raised a brow, "Are you too _good_ for crime?"

Yami sneered at him, "No. I think my worst crimes would be theft...assault, lies…I suppose I could be a criminal but not a murderer. Robbing a bank isn't as bad as murder."

"OH! OH! I'd be a professional assassin!" Marik cried, "I'd be like Agent Romanof from Avengers! The Black Widow? Beautiful, but deadly," he whispered dramatically.

"…You'd murder people for money?" Ryou gasped, "How could you even think of that?!"

"It's better than porno star," Bakura commented.

"At least I have balls," Marik glared, "to pull the trigger."

"When did this become Russian Roulette?" Kaiba grumbled.

Joey threw his hand up, "I know what Kaiba's crimes would be! Fraud, conspiracies, murder, assault, lying,-"

"Wait I'm sorry," Kaiba held a hand up, "_Murder_?"

"Yeah. I can see you killin' someone. I can also see the blank expression you'll have when doin' it, THEN that creepy deranged smirk-"

"You've been having Kaiba dreams again, haven't you?" Yugi sighed. Joey nodded with a pout.

Kaiba rolled his eyes again and looked away with a sigh, leaving the blond to think what he wanted.

"Aibou would be my nimble partner in crime!" Yami announced, nudging Yugi playfully, "He'd be the one to fit into tight spots that I wouldn't."

Yugi smacked him playfully, "Is that all you think I'm useful for? My body? I thought I'd be like a criminal genius, thinking of the getaways and stuff."

"Oh, that too." Yami added as an afterthought, gaining another smack.

"What about Melvin?" Joey asked with a grin.

"I don't even want to think of that," Ryou cringed away, catching Yugi's attention as they shook their heads.

"Murder and rape," Marik nodded solemnly, "Oh yes, that's my yami."

Said yami scowled, "You make it sound so boring!"

"…You think it's fun?" Yami exclaimed, "I know you're deranged but-"

"You never imagine tying stranger to a bed for a week and-"

"No I don't!"

"-…would you if they were underage?"

"That's even worse!" Yami cried.

"Huh," Melvin rolled his head on his shoulders, "Because it sounds fun to me. Which is why I want Ryou, Marik and Yugi. And Bakura you can be there too. In my cell. All of us…_together_." The tone he drawled in sent shivers down all their spines. He grinned around the room, and eventually it landed on Yami. "In fact…_Pharaoh_…You should come to. We could…_clash_."

"…You want to rape and kill us?" Yugi breathed, staring bug-eyed.

Melvin dropped his head to the right, his eyes half-lidded, "I want to enjoy your flesh and hear your screams. If you entertain me, you live longer. If not, I release you."

Marik leaned over to the shocked members, "He means by killing you." He whispered.

"Gawd," Joey whined out, "I'm surrounded by weirdos."

"At least you're not on Melvin's rape list," Yugi mumbled, hugging himself.

"Thank Apep for showers and making soap slippery!" Melvin boomed suddenly.

"…Why?" Bakura asked, hesitantly.

"Well no one bends over in bath tubs do they?"

"Too much information!" Ryou shrilled as his jabbed his fingers into his ears, then began to yell out louder than he should have, "Why do I keep hanging around you guys when it's poisoning my mind?!"

"I'll be sure to buy shower gel if that's the case," Yami glowered.

"And I'll use it as lube,"

"MELVIN!"

"Ugh…"

"Sick!"

"I think it's time you all left," Kaiba grunted, his face now dark, "I don't think I can handle the images anymore."

"You're not the one being threatened with jail rape," Yami hissed.

"Obviously not, I'm a man, men don't get raped."

Yami's brows shot up in offence, "Are you calling me a woman?"

"Would you rape Kaiba?" Marik asked Melvin as if it was the most natural thing in the world. Melvin pouted and looked said male up and down, ignoring the finger thrown up at him, and grinned, but shook his head, "Kaiba has nice long legs, but he's too thin and square. I like mine small and shapely."

"Because you are a paedophile," Kaiba insulted," Now get lost, I don't want you being anywhere near Mokuba. And no one could rape me! I'd kill them first."

"We could gang up," Melvin offered, "We could be the Kingpins in prison. I'll give you Yami. And you can have Joey. But the others are mine."

"Excuse me, we're not objects," Joey glared at them both.

"Are you sick? I don't want them!" Kaiba spat. Melvin cackled in response, "_No_? I see the way you look at both of them. There's no shame in it, Kaiba. Now that I think of it, you could have your goons kidnap them both! You have a hundred rooms in this mansion of yours, you could kidnap them and lock them up as your slaves! Why don't you? You know what, that actually makes me sick, you wasting all this opportunity! I'd love to have it! There's a room for each of my pets!" he gestures to the hikaris and Bakura, "And I could visit each one on a different day! Have faithful maids serve their food…keep them clean till I come back at night…"

No one said a word.

"Huh…No, I don't want to be in jail. I want to be Kaiba. Have all his money and power, then I could really adopt you all!"

By now Yugi was in Yami's lap, Ryou had his knees to his chest, Bakura was glaring holes in his psycho friend, Joey was looking for a weapon and Marik was wondering what theme his room would be.

The CEO stared, stoic, his jaw tight. "…I don't care what you do, just get off my property."

"I'm not leaving when he does," Joey barked, "He'll be waiting in a dark corner."

"Oh relax, I have him on a leash," Marik chuckled. "Scaredy-cat."

"I agree with Joey." Yami frowned, hugging Yugi closer, "I think we should leave _before_ him, give us a head start."

"That's worse," Marik piped up.

"How so?"

"You'll entice him into chasing you!"

Melvin grinned, and petted Marik's hair lovingly. Yugi and Ryou cringed at the image of a huge Melvin bustling after them in a dark alley with a huge knife and his rape-face, tongue hanging out.

"Dear Ra, that IS worse," Yami gawked.

"Excuse me? Get the hell out of my house! ALL of you!"

Grudgingly, everyone eventually rose and vacated, grumbling at Kaiba as they did so. He happily showed them the door, hissing about never allowing them back in again. Ryou and Yugi stuck close with their yamis while Joey stuck close to Yugi and Yami in particular.

Noticing the main culprit was trying to slink off, Kaiba stormed after him. "Hey! Where the hell do you think you're going?"

Melvin stopped, and turned around, a lazy grin on his face. "Oh…I was…just going to see how Mokie was-"

"OUT OF MY HOUSE! GET OUT-! GUARDS!"

**XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXX**

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FIC MY DEARS. Maybe one day I will continue~


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